And I want more of it. I want to keep reality at bay for a little longer and forget all the reasons this is a terrible idea that will come back to haunt me in the not-so-distant future.
But I can’t do that.
No matter how tempted I am.
“Why did you stop?” he asks, eyes still hazy. He licks his lips, looking as if he’s a second away from delving back in and giving us what we both want.
“This is wrong,” I force myself to say. “It shouldn’t be happening.”
His brow furrows. “Why not?”
“Because I can’t be with another guy like Justin.”
The sexual fog clouding his expression evaporates. His eyes widen in shock before disgust flashes in them. “Is that what you really think?” The chill of winter whips through his voice, turning it hard and unforgiving. “That I’m no better than Justin?” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond before biting out, “You should know better than that.”
A heavy wave of guilt crashes over me. Deep down, I do realize it. But still...the guy has spent three years cultivating a certain reputation. And I’ve been burned too many times to take another chance. “Why would I know that?”
We’ve never been friends. Not really. It’s the reason why I’ve been able to hold him at a distance with such ease and pretend we’re nothing more than strangers.
Hurt flickers across his features.
Even though doubt creeps in at the edges, I straighten my shoulders. There’s too much evidence for there not to be a shred of truth to it. The rumors that have swept through campus. The girls who have bragged about their sexual exploits with him. I’ve seen groupies hang on him with my own eyes. Not just one. But two or three at a time. He hasn’t exactly pushed them away. In fact, like most athletes on campus, he seems to accept the attention as if it’s his due.
“We’ve known each other since we were fourteen years old. We eat dinner together once a week. We’ve been in the same classes since freshman year. I attend all of your home games. How can you not know me better than that?” Thick tension swirls through the air. “How can you not know who I really am?”
For reasons I don’t quite understand, I’m loath to see him in a different light. It’s easier to cling to my perceptions rather than acknowledge that I could be wrong about him. “Why does it matter?” When I attempt to climb off his lap, his hands tighten around me.
“Because it does. We’re going to get this out in the open once and for all. I won’t allow you to run away from me again.”
Rowan has never frightened me, but in this moment, he does. Not because I’m afraid he’ll hurt or force me into something I don’t want. I’m terrified he’s going to rip through the last of the barriers I have in place to protect myself against him. Running and hiding is so much easier. And that’s exactly what I want to do. My fight or flight instinct has kicked in.
“Don’t try and deny it. We both know that’s your modus operandi.” Before I can defend myself with another lie, he says, “You know me, Demi. Even though you’ve done everything in your power to pretend otherwise, you know who I am at a fundamental level. You need to think about that.”
A thick shiver works its way through my body as everything stills. It’s as if I’m standing in the eye of a hurricane. The center is calm while everything outward is in chaos.
When I fail to respond, he tilts his head, continuing to batter my weakened defenses. “I know things about you.”
My mouth goes bone-dry, making it impossible to swallow. “Like what?”
“I know you’ve been playing soccer since you were four years old, and you started travel when you were eight. Your favorite food is carbonara and eggplant parmesan. You love chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven, and your favorite place to vacation is Maui because that’s the last trip your family took before your mom decided to leave.”
My eyes widen as my mind cartwheels.
I’m at a loss.
Even though Rowan has been in my life for seven years, I had no idea he was paying such close attention to the details. The realization leaves me winded as warmth reluctantly flares to life inside me.
His face looms closer until he’s all I see. Until my world begins and ends with Rowan. “Whether you want to