It’s good I’ve got Michael to talk to, though. I’ve just got off the phone to him. I know it’s a bit late to be making deep-sea intellectual phone calls but he picked up straight away, like he was telepathically waiting for me.
I told him I’d been thinking a lot about Life-and-Death.
He wasn’t too sympathetic.
‘Thinking about topping yourself, eh? That’d be good. I told my dad that Nic jumped off the Batterie and other kids were bound to copy her. He’s had his head in the fridge ever since.’
‘The poor man is comfort-eating.’
‘Nah. He feels guilty. Guilt is the only reason anyone does anything.’
I said most probably and suggested we meet tomorrow night for further discussions at the Fermain Tavern. Unfortunately Michael doesn’t want to be seen with me in public – presumably because I’m under-age. He therefore proposed that we meet on Monday night at Donnie’s.
‘We can’t!’ I insisted. ‘It would be breaking and entering.’
I heard Michael snort and cackle. ‘Come on, how about it?’
I wasn’t sure at all. ‘But if it’s all been packed up, what on earth do you want to do?’
‘I dunno. Snoop about. I’ll bring some matches and you bring the drink. We can have a séance if you want. Bring your little friend Vicky Senner and we’ll try and contact the dead.’
‘No!’ I said (to the séance and to Vicky). ‘I’ll come alone, we’ve got important things to discuss, just us two.’
I’ve got to tell him about Nic, about how I killed her, etc. I must! I’m off first thing in the morning to buy a brand new bottle of whisky (to replace the one I’ve almost finished). I know for a fact Michael’s been banned from all Island Wides courtesy of Deputy-Dad, so he’ll be dead impressed if I supply the booze. It’d be good to get it off my chest. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I couldn’t have done anything differently. I only ever wanted Nic to be my friend, and I never meant to kill her. I loved her so much. I didn’t love her the way I love Michael, but love comes in all shapes and (plus) sizes, and it involves great dollops of pain and suffering. I’ve suffered plenty for Nic.
All last summer I was counting down the days to September. It was like I was serving a prison sentence, without even looking forward to my date of release. Before then I’d always got excited about the start of the new school year: the shiny new textbooks, the baggy cardigans, the comedy fringes and home perms. This time, though, it was different. Mum couldn’t understand why I wasn’t going hyper about being in the Fifth Form. I’d always thought fifth-year girls were so grownup. But when she dropped me at the school gates that first day back I wanted to run away. I remember walking down the corridor to Assembly and wishing I was somewhere else, and when I first saw Nic it was like I’d been punched. She had a lovely tan and bleached-blonde highlights from the sun. People were swarming round her as per bees and a honey pot. Then she saw me and there was this strange magnetic tug-of-war with eyes.
She put her hand to her mouth and whispered something over her shoulder. Lisa laughed and Shelley turned to look at me.
So Nic wasn’t exactly ignoring me anymore, but I wouldn’t call it an improvement.
‘I’m amazed they could find a uniform to fit her.’
‘Christ! The embarrassment!’
Yes, yes. I should’ve expected it. Why would I think things could be any different? There was Nic and Lisa and Shelley and the way they shut me out reminded me of how I’d always felt shut out of things. For the longest time it hadn’t mattered. But now it did matter, because I knew what I was missing. I was like one of those people who’d been famous for all of ten minutes, and then had my dreams cruelly crushed or snatched from me. There’d be no more glittering invites to VIP parties, and my usual table in Le Swanky Restaurant du Choix had been taken by somebody else.
Lisa was now with Pagey. What a joke. And Shelley was with Jason. Oh-the-Horror. They thought they were so special – they’d sit round the back of the music block and talk about all the exciting things they were doing after school. They’d link arms and giggle and flick their glossy hair. Of course I did