hope I didn’t mess up.
Ten minutes later, the pendulum of my thoughts swings reassuringly to no big deal, he’s hardly in love. Maybe, like me, there are people he’d rather be kissing. Are there people I’d rather be kissing? I think about Mia, nearly all the time, but thinking is one thing, kissing is another. I squeeze my eyes shut and give myself permission to fantasize. If Gabe can do no big deal, so can I. I try to imagine kissing Mia with my experimental new vibe. My imaginary self turns bright red and runs for the trees.
REHEARSAL. SCHOOL THEATER. TWO DAYS LATER.
For some reason I haven’t mentioned the Gabe thing to you yet. We didn’t speak that night, and it would be strange to announce it out of the blue. Not that you’re likely to ask, Hey, kissed anyone today? so I suppose I’ll have to tell you if you’re going to know.
To my great relief, rehearsals seem normal. As if he can hear my thoughts, Gabe, sitting across from me, winks. Mia notices and I blush. We haven’t been acting as though it never happened. We’re acting as though it happened and we have successfully put it behind us, which makes me feel spectacularly well-adjusted. If only we could all go around kissing people without detrimental effects. He’s made jokes about it too, which helps. I promise I won’t kiss you, he says when I get close enough. Maybe he’s the kind of guy who kisses a lot of girls for no reason. Maybe I’m that kind of girl. I think not.
MY BEDROOM. THAT EVENING.
I’m getting ready to meet you at the movies. Kate is supposed to be coming with two of her friends. I’m running late—you’re probably already there. Mom comes into my room with an armful of laundry. I catch a glimpse of the face she makes at the “interesting paint effect” every time she comes in. I can’t find my shoes and it’s driving me crazy. I’m worried we’ll miss the beginning of the movie. Mom is speaking to me from the doorway.
MOM
I think it’s exciting how much you’re enjoying your theater class.
ME
Have you seen my shoes? I can’t find them anywhere.
Mom points to a heap on the floor—her angle clearly advantageous. The mess has gotten away from me. She sits down on my bed.
MOM
And this play that you’re a part of.
I try to zip up my sweater but it catches. The zipper is jammed. It won’t go up or down. I can’t go out with a jammed wonky sweater and I wail in frustration. Mom tells me to settle down and takes hold of my zip. It slides freely up to my neck and I wave as I run out of the room with a protracted Bye that comes with me down the stairs.
MOVIE THEATER. SOON AFTER.
Skipping the last few feet to the doors of the movie theater, I see you up ahead in front of the movie posters, illuminated in the colored lights and turning your head with unnecessary regularity to look up and down the street, for me, I guess. I spring into your field of vision:
ME
Sorry I’m late.
You smile.
YOU
No probs.
ME
Where are the others?
YOU
Kate called. They can’t make it. They’re going to a later showing.
ME
Oh. We can go to a later one too, then—
YOU
Well, we’re here now. Right?
ME
I guess.
And I follow you inside.
THE STREET. LATER THAT NIGHT.
We emerge back into the real world and walk in comfortable silence down the well-lit street away from the movie theater. My desire to be in movies is rekindled every time I see one. I want to be that girl: the girl kissed passionately after evil is vanquished, with fireworks and an orchestra, and it’s everything she wants. Not the girl kissed without warning after her coffee-shop shift, with cake crumbs in her hair and an orange apron tucked over her arm. It seems like the perfect moment to mention Gabe, so even though I can’t tell what’s going through your head, I jump in:
ME
Gabe kissed me.
You turn and stare at me as if you expect me to continue, as if some kind of explanation for such a bewildering revelation will follow. You still have your 3-D glasses on and I almost laugh. You whip them off, your reaction intense, and I feel instantly defensive.
ME
There are people who might want to kiss me, you know.
YOU
Yeah, but I didn’t know you wanted to kiss him.
I hold back my response. I can kiss anyone I choose. One kiss