apart from the scores of girls fawning over him. I thought if I could make an impression, he’d at least see me. But I let go at the wrong time, fell myself, and he caught you.” She said this with a bitterness that stung like arrows. “I made a mistake and erased myself from his thoughts completely.”
She raised a hand to her mouth, still looking like she might cry but never actually allowing the tears to fall. I was too stunned to respond. I knew she had designs for a better life, but I didn’t know how high they went. I didn’t know they meant to bypass me entirely. But then her eyes met mine, softer than before. Sad, desperate. I found myself feeling sorry for her more than angry at her.
“Why didn’t you say anything? You’re clever enough that we could have turned his head.”
She shrugged. “I thought I’d have my chance when he got bored with you, as he seemed to do with all the ladies before. But then, the way he kept looking at you . . . I could tell something was happening, and then what could I have said? You have been my closest friend. . . . When everyone was muttering that I was a bastard, you ignored them; you stayed with me. It was the least I could do for you. I told myself that helping you would be like winning myself. That’s why I worked my way into place as your lady as quickly as I could; it would be my only chance to rise up with you. But you don’t even want it. And watching you be exalted while I’ve become your attendant is harder than I thought it would be.”
“I never meant to exalt myself,” I replied sincerely, finally understanding why she’d been so on edge these last weeks. I crossed the space between us, taking her hand. “And you aren’t a servant to me. You are my oldest, truest friend. You know more about me than anyone, and I trust you with all my secrets.”
She shook her head. “Not all of them.” Again, her eyes were searching mine, going deeper than most, trying to see what I was too frightened to show. “I know you’ve been hiding something, and I can’t figure out what’s made you suddenly want to abandon the goal every eligible woman in Coroa was aiming for.”
“If you were standing where I am, you would understand. It’s terrifying to discover that freedom is not what you thought. That love is not what you thought.”
When she spoke next, I couldn’t pinpoint her tone. Something between sympathy and anger, never really falling into one or the other. “But isn’t this worth it? Would you rather be the scandal of court? If you leave him now, you will ruin me, and worst of all, you will destroy Jameson.”
I stared off, weighing everything in my head, knowing there was no real way to win. Either I had what I wanted, or everyone else had what they did. . . .
“You’re actually considering—?” Delia Grace shook her head and went to leave.
“Wait,” I commanded her.
It was a credit to Jameson’s taste in women that I possessed the tenor to make her obey. She turned around with a huff.
“Of course I’m marrying Jameson. For a long time now, there’s been no other choice for me. So, if Jameson has settled upon me, then you must already have an alternate in mind. You’ve planned everything else. So give me a name.”
She squinted at me. “What do you mean?”
“Who do you want?”
She didn’t have to think. “Alistair Farrow. Good estate, a respected name, but not so high up that he’d be in a position to turn me down should you arrange something.”
“Do you love him?”
“Don’t be stupid, Hollis. Love is the final course at a feast that I’m still waiting to be invited to.”
I nodded. “Then it’s done.” I pressed nonexistent wrinkles out of my dress and went back to my stack of papers, still unsure of what to say to Valentina.
“Wait, Hollis?” I looked to Delia Grace, who was standing there bewildered. “What about Jameson? Do you love him?”
“In a way,” I admitted. “I love that he is happier when I’m near. And even if my parents are disappointed in me, I love them. And even if you’re angry with me, I love you. With everything that’s happened, I love you.”
There was silence and a decade of memories floating between us. Beyond anyone,