my hair, makeup, and skincare products back in their original drawers.
My birth control pills are at the bottom of the bag. I’ve been on the pill since I was sixteen and desperate to regulate my cycle and calm the acne maelstrom that was happening on my face. I was shocked when my mother agreed, though looking back, sometimes I wonder if it had more to do with vanity than anything else. Perhaps she couldn’t stand to see her precious daughter’s face marred with ugly red zits.
But I digress.
I unsnap the compact and click it to today’s date so I don’t forget to take one tonight … only there’s one small problem.
Today’s the seventh sugar pill …
I should have started my period six days ago.
I’m late.
Forty
Madden
* * *
The place feels empty without her even though all she took was her suitcase and a few things from the bathroom. I guess I never realized how much ‘life’ she brought to this tiny little apartment.
And ironically enough, it’s so quiet I can’t sleep.
Grabbing my phone, I stream some music to my Bluetooth speakers and lie back down, tonight’s conversation playing in my head for the fiftieth time since she left. While she had a string of extremely valid points, the one thing that sticks out in my mind is what she said before she finally walked out the door …
She loves me.
Veronica said it a few times over the years, but she never meant it. She thought she did at the time, but we were kids. We didn’t know a thing about love. And I never could bring myself to say it back.
But I’ve been that way my whole life, one foot out the door, ready to jump at any time because the things I’ve cared about most in the world have been ripped from me when I least expected it.
And if there’s anything I’ve learned in this life, it’s that when people are in love, they make plans.
But you can’t break plans if you never make them.
I roll to my side, staring at the empty half of the mattress where just twenty-four hours ago she slept beside me.
Maybe I should’ve stopped her from leaving. Maybe I shouldn’t have stood there like a schmuck, letting her walk away, but I’m a selfish bastard and that’s exactly the kind of thing selfish bastards do. I figured if I allowed myself to be with her, sooner or later she’d realize I’m not all that great, and she’d leave and it’d be the worst hell I could ever imagine.
So yeah. I let her go.
This way no one gets hurt.
Someone told me once that the way a heart breaks depends on how hard it was dropped. Some breaks are clean—and some shatter, sending millions of shards everywhere, shards so small you can’t see them …
…but you always feel them.
My god, do you feel them.
I can only hope—for her sake—this was a clean break.
Forty-One
Brighton
* * *
I keep my eye on my bathroom door Saturday morning as the timer on my phone counts down from two minutes. The pregnancy test I bought at the pharmacy on the drive home from the gym earlier today is still processing …
I’m convinced my mother’s going to barge in here at any second for some random reason and see the Dixie cup and white stick and start freaking out.
My phone chirps.
Two minutes are up.
Fingers crossed there’s nothing for her to freak out about …
Pulling in a deep breath, I walk to the counter and glance down at the test, prepared to be greeted with my fate.
Pregnant.
I take a seat on the lidded toilet, the positive test in my hand.
Great.
If my parents didn’t hate Madden before, they’re definitely going to hate him now.
I have no idea how this happened … we were always so careful. I’ve always been religious about taking the pill. He always used a condom—except that one time in his shop. But he pulled out. And that was so recent …
I wrap the test in several layers of toilet paper and place it at the bottom of my trash can.
I have to tell him.
He needs to know.
I didn’t get pregnant alone, so I’m sure as hell not doing this alone.
Resting my elbows on the tops of my thighs, I bury my face in my hands and practice slow, grounding breaths. Eyes closed, I try to picture us as a family, which I know is ridiculous. It’s nothing that he wants and it’s nothing that I wanted at this point in my