get in there.”
“Why’d he wait so long? Why not right away?”
Kai shook his head. “He was working up his courage? Maybe he lost consciousness and came to again later? Maybe he was waiting for all of us to be sleeping?”
I picked at the edge of the blanket. My vision started to swim.
“You seem fine,” I said. It was an accusation. “You don’t seem disturbed. Was this just another Tuesday to you?” A slightly unhinged laugh came from me. “It probably was. I mean, you’re in the mafia. You control half of Canada. Have you moved into Toronto yet?” I hiccupped, which turned into a snarl. “You can’t, right? You’re not into drugs. There has to be a drug business in Canada. If you’re not running it, who is?”
There was a look in his eyes.
I trailed off because I knew. “If you’re not doing it, you’re allowing someone else to do it.”
His jaw firmed. “Dissecting my business is not the reason you’re here.”
“Right.” I snorted. “I’m here to help Brooke, or to fuck you.”
This was pathetic. I was pathetic, because it was true. He’d brought me for those reasons, and sadly, I’d probably do both. Even now.
“Goddamn you,” I told him. “Goddamn you to hell.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
I needed to get drunk. Fast.
As soon as we pulled up to the log house nestled among a bunch of trees and overlooking a river, I grabbed my bag and hightailed it inside. Security had already walked through. They were coming out as I walked in, ignoring everything.
I took the first set of stairs and climbed. Up. Up. All the way until there were no more stairs. I think I was on the third floor. I was a pro at figuring out which room Kai would want me in. I followed the hallway all the way to the back and went into the last bedroom. It was large, with its own sitting room and a library nook. A person could sit there and literally reach forward for their next book. The attached bathroom—shared with another bedroom—had a glass-walled shower big enough for four people to have a dance party. This would be my room.
I searched for the liquor cabinet. Not finding one, I went to the room across the hall, the one I shared a bathroom with. In the back corner, I found it. I reached for a bottle, not caring what it was. Pushing off the cap, I tipped my head almost at the same time.
I was guzzling it before I even left the room and entered mine.
The men were coming inside. I could hear their voices below. The aroma of pizza wafted up to me, and that meant one thing: I needed more alcohol in my system.
I did not want to feel this self-hatred.
I was weak. I was an embarrassment to the ideals I’d dedicated my life to: helping others, saving others, protecting others. I was with a man who violated all of those principles, and I should run. I could run now, but I didn’t. I knew I wouldn’t.
I would give in when he came to me. I almost had to. There was a yearning deep down. I craved Kai. I needed my first fix. I needed to feel him inside of me, claiming me, fucking me.
I sank to the floor, still clutching that bottle.
A part of my mind was still thinking clearly, a small part, but it was fast disappearing. I knew I was having a breakdown. Maybe it was from everything or just from that man on the plane, or the fact that there was a man on a plane and everyone acted like it happened every day!
I was losing it.
Clambering to the toilet, I cleaned out whatever I’d had in my stomach. Maybe breakfast from a day ago? Would that still be there?
The bottle in hand, I struggled back to my feet. Good. The more blitzed I was, the better. Though, I was more unsteady because I’d lost everything in my stomach, not from the drinking. Shedding my clothes, I stepped into the shower. I knew I couldn’t wash it off of me, but damn if I wasn’t going to try. I found everything I could’ve asked for. Shampoo. Facial cleanser. Even a toothbrush in a package.
But I only needed booze, and I chugged down another shot.
It didn’t help.
I was dirty, inside and out. I’d never get myself clean, but I would try. Lord help me, I was trying. I scrubbed at my arm when someone stepped into the doorway.