are you going to do about Nick?”
I shrug. “There’s nothing to do. I broke up with him this afternoon, told him I’d work until he found a replacement for me at the office.”
Sarah’s eyes go wide. “Now, why on earth did you do that?”
“Really, Mallory.” My mom shakes her head. “Are you ever going to learn?”
Well, what the fuck? I thought we’d just had this beautiful moment and now she’s back to telling me I don’t know what’s best for me. I square my shoulders. “Yes, Mother. I’m quite capable of learning. I’ve learned that I too easily give up my power to men, let them take control of my life. And what I need right now is a little alone time to figure myself out and then a nice, healthy relationship with a man who listens to me.”
“Oh, I had no idea Nick was such a controlling man.” She makes tsking noises.
I can’t let that stand, though. To be fair to Nick. “He isn’t a controlling person. Not really. I mean, yes, he did sometimes just take charge, but only to help me and never in a way I would object to. He also pretty much always gave me time to say no to his help, too.”
“Well, then he shouldn’t have made you feel weak, dear. That’s never good in a partner.”
And again, I feel myself rising to Nick’s defense. “He didn’t make me feel weak at all. In fact, if anything, he made me stand up for myself and gave me the power to do it myself.” And he did. From letting me try to mow that devil lawn by myself before answering my literal SOS in the grass to letting me interview Gina before deciding to work with her. He gave me options but ultimately, everything was my decision. How did I not see that before?
“Then I don’t get it,” Sarah says. “What’s so bad about Nick?”
“He said he needed me.” I swallow. Hard. Then admit, “And I said I needed him back.”
My mom’s face lights up with a smile. “That’s wonderful, Mallory! It’s good to need someone and be needed in return.”
“Umm, no, it’s not. After Karl, I never want to need another man again.” Fact.
“Honey, then you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life.”
Her words are like a kick to the stomach, stealing my breath. “Wh-what do you mean?”
She leans over and squeezes my hand. “Because, dear, everyone needs love. With someone who loves them back just as much.”
“What does love have to do with needing someone? I don’t want to be with another man who needs me to do things for him, Mom. Like, seriously, ever again.”
“What has Nick asked you to do for him? That man actually seems pretty self-sufficient, if you ask me.”
I open my mouth to list all the things—but nothing comes to mind. In fact, the only thing I can think of that Nick needs from me is the same thing I needed from him…his company. I just liked spending time with him. Cooking dinner. Watching movies (well, almost watching). Talking about Aunt Maggie. Even working together is something we want to do, not need to do.
Something he said in his office comes back to me… Someone who makes you realize that—before her—you weren’t really living. That you’ve just been existing in a world without color since your wife died.
That’s what he does for me, too. My world was gray before I met Nick. And I’m afraid of what I would give up of myself to stay with him, to never go back to that gray existence. That’s the real power he has over me—and it’s so much more than I ever gave Karl. If that doesn’t just scare the bejesus out of me, I don’t know what would.
“It’s okay to take your time, Mallory. You deserve that. But don’t give up on love. You deserve that, too.”
I swipe at the tears on my face but don’t even try to speak again. I can’t. My throat is choking with sadness and fear and regret and what feels an awful lot like hope, too.
This time, when my mom goes to hug me, I let her. At which point Sarah jumps in on the hug and squeezes us both so tightly that it makes me laugh. More, for the first time in a really long time, it makes me grateful to be part of this specific family, with these specific women. Because there’s nothing in the world quite like