first day of the month, he goes to see his father, who was remarkably abusive—both physically and emotionally. He goes even though he knows that every time it’ll be like getting shot in the heart. His father insults him for a while and then basically ignores him. Eddie knows what he’s headed for, but he can’t stop going. And I understand why. It has to do with himself, what Eddie’s giving himself.”
“But what is he giving himself? He’s just sticking his finger into the light socket! There are such things as toxic parents.”
“Yes, but . . . let me ask you something. Do you like your feet?”
I pulled my bare feet away self-consciously. I thought she knew that I hated my feet: I have little toes that look like cornichons, according to Pete. And that’s a kind analogy. More like slugs, Anthony says. And my fat big toe curves over as though it’s trying to commiserate with the little toe. “No.”
“Ever had a pedicure?”
“No!”
“Why not? It could help.”
“Because then I’d have to show someone my feet close up for a long time.”
“Well, why don’t you cut them off?”
“My feet?”
“Yeah.”
I half smiled. “What are you talking about, Caroline?”
“You’ve always hated your feet. Why don’t you just cut them off?”
Fine. I would play along. “I need them to stand on. To walk.”
She nodded. “Exactly.”
I sat still for a moment, then said, “All right. I get it.”
“I need Mom to admit to what she did, so I can forgive her. Then I can stand. Then I can walk to where I need to go, if I may extend the metaphor.”
“Right. I understand.” I leaned back on my elbows. “You know one of the things that’s really hard about this, Caroline? That you waited for so long.”
“Yeah. I met a woman who told me about how she finally came to love her mother, who made our mother look like Mother Teresa. She said she was able to love her mother when she began to get more sure of herself. And you know when that was?”
“When?”
“When she was fifty-nine.”
I laughed. “Okay. Okay. So what now, then? How do I help?”
“Well, you can start by trying to believe me.”
“I do believe you!”
She stood, stretched. “I appreciate your saying that. But here’s what I know. Partly you believe me, and partly you don’t.” I started to protest and she held up her hand to stop me. “That’s why you asked me about marks.”
I looked away. She was right.
Her voice softened. “It’s okay. It’s hard, I know. And I know this will all take time. Everything about it will take a long time. I just hope that in the end . . .”
“I hope so too, Caroline.”
“We should go in before we get bit up any more.”
“Let’s go to the grocery store,” I said.
“What do you need?”
“I want to help you get something you need: chips and dip. I figured we’d start small.”
“I don’t know if Rainbow is still open.”
“I’ll see.” I went into the house and picked up the phone. “Hey, Caroline, you have messages on here.”
“It’s just Bill. He calls every night. I’ll call him back later.”
“He calls every night?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, good. That’s good, isn’t it?”
Nothing.
“Caroline?”
“What.”
“That’s good, isn’t it? That he calls every night?”
“Yeah,” she said. “It’s good.”
I called information, then the grocery store. “They close in twenty minutes,” I yelled.
Caroline came into the house, the screen door banging behind her. “Let’s go!” It was the first time in so long that I’d seen her look happy. And of course it wasn’t the food.
ON THE WAY BACK TO MY PARENTS’ HOUSE, I thought of all Caroline had told me. When our family sat down together at dinner on a random Tuesday night, was it possible she was recovering from some sort of horrible event only hours before? What had been held in her silences?
When I was a few blocks away, I turned off the radio. I wanted to think about how much I should tell my parents. I decided on as little as possible: I’d just say Caroline would be over tomorrow afternoon, that there were some things she would like to talk about with the immediate family. I had no idea what I’d do with the kids. As much as they like the fair, they don’t like to go two days in a row. I’d have to ask Pete to take them somewhere. There was no reason for him to be around during all of this. I tried not to pay attention to the pinch of