aren’t lying here moping. It goes beyond just looking into the Graves siblings for Lips, I’ve been thinking about filling up my manipulation roster with senators and FBI agents now that I’m out of high school and our family might need bigger hitters in times of need.
I also don’t want to have to call Atticus for everything.
I can’t keep relying on him for everything and if he really is intent on giving me up then I’d like to cut all ties with him. The fact that he’s another member on the Twelve and someone who may be a danger to Lips in the future means that unless he’s voted into the family then he’s a risk.
I can’t let my heart get one of us killed.
I’m not saying I’ll be able to let my love for him go… I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do that. Loving Atticus Crawford is so ingrained in me that it’s now instinctual. I think I could give up breathing easier than giving him up and, though he refuses to do anything about it, I know he feels the same way. There’s something inside of me that recognizes that in him.
But loving Atticus doesn’t mean that I can’t live a fulfilling and great life without him. Watching Lips and the guys navigate their poly life has taught me just how much you can love multiple people and all I have to do is look at Aodhan to know that maybe that’s possible for me. The things that happened in the Jackal’s lair…
I can’t think about that.
Not without ruining my day and spiraling into a pit of despair and self-loathing. I’ve never hated myself before that moment and it doesn’t matter how many times Aodhan has reassured me since we were rescued, I can’t shake the feeling that now I’m a monster.
I’ve lost my moral high ground and for someone who has based all of my actions on being better than others, this is fucking hard.
I’m better than Senior because I use my manipulation to protect not kill.
I’m better than Joey because I would never let my father use me to hurt my brother.
I’m better than the girls at Hannaford because they only care about their social standing so it will give them all the riches in the world. I care about using it to stay alive and protect what’s mine.
I’m better than the Jackal because I’m alive. I won.
I check my phone and find a stream of messages both in and out of the group text. Lips is worried, Ash is furious, Blaise is making jokes, and Harley is sending me photos of Aodhan’s black eye thanks to Jack’s photography skills.
I wonder how Atticus is looking this morning.
I get up and take a long shower. I scrub myself raw, washing out my hair and brushing my teeth twice like that will somehow help the situation I’ve found myself in. Then after I’m dry, I moisturize everything, blow dry my hair, curl it, pin it up to perfection, and dress in something that makes me feel as though I can eviscerate my enemies without second thought.
Alexander McQueen is excellent for that.
I’m downstairs fixing myself a coffee when the security sensors Jackson set up before we moved in are tripped and I move over to the security monitor that’s tucked away in my butler’s pantry.
I sigh at the sight of the Rolls Royce but it turns into a giggle at the sight of the black eye Atticus is now sporting. Serves him right for ruining my night.
My phone buzzes.
I’m on my way.
I send Illi a quick stand down message and then I turn my phone on silent before tucking it into my pocket, running a hand down the sharp lines of my jacket. If there’s anyone I would want to see today wearing these clothes then Atticus would be it.
I needed the redemption of making out drunkenly with Aodhan last night. I needed the high of finally crossing that line with him now that I don’t have my brother breathing down my neck. What right does he have to ruin my night?
I take a deep breath before I open my front door to him. He’s wearing a Tom Ford suit and a pair of Prada loafers, charcoal socks and a Rolex. It’s the one I gave him years ago which almost takes my breath away but there’s a file tucked under his arm so clearly this isn’t a social call. Luca is with him of course