never really loved anyone or got attached to anyone from that day on. Except you and Bethanie for the last four years. My sister is why I never wanted kids. I never wanted to be that close to anyone again, or love anyone that much. In a way he killed me too. What you see now, and have for the last four years, is what’s left. It’s what I could patch back together after he killed Weenie and my mother. Her name was Edwina. She called me Eeny.
“I found them after he did it,” he repeated, looking distraught. “I can’t even tell you what that was like.” The tears were pouring down his face, unchecked. She tried to reach a hand out to him but he wouldn’t let her. He couldn’t bear the tenderness of her touch, and the flood of memories too. “A piece of me died with them. A big piece, the biggest part of me. I’ve never been able to have a normal relationship since and still can’t. When I get too close, I run and disappear till I have distance again. That’s why I disappeared when you had the baby, but I fell in love with her anyway.
“I can’t be here for you now, Coco. I can’t do it. It would kill me. I’ve been closer to you than anyone in my life. But I’m not husband material, or father material. If anything happens to her, it will kill me. And now she’s sick. You’re a strong woman, stronger than I am. I’m just a shell, Coco. I’m not a man.” He was crying and she put her arms around him, still soaking wet from the bath, and she held him while he cried. “I want to go with you tomorrow, but I can’t. When you leave, I’m going to go far from here to be alone again. Don’t count on me. I can’t be there for either of you. I’m like a hologram, an image, an illusion, there is nothing left inside.”
“Yes, there is,” she said softly. “I understand when you disappear. I’m fine with it.”
“But you’re not fine now, and you won’t be, and neither will she until she survives this. I can’t, Coco, I just can’t,” he sobbed and they held each other in silence for a long time. He had bared his soul to her, and loved her enough to do so.
“I’m so sorry, Ian. I love you. I’m so sorry your father did this to you, and your mother, and your sister. We’re going to make it through this. They’ll just have to cure Bethanie.” She was being strong for him, as well as for her daughter and herself.
“You’ll make it through this. Please God you both will. But I can’t do it with you. When you leave tomorrow you have to let me go.” He was the Phantom of the Opera, hiding in the darkness, and he had let her see beneath the mask. “Let me go, Coco, if you love me. I don’t want to let you down,” but he already had. He wanted to be there for her and Bethanie, but he knew he couldn’t. He was being honest with her, more than he ever had been in his life.
They lay together all that night and never slept. She was wide awake, as he lay with her, stroking her face and her body, as though to be sure he would remember every inch of her. They didn’t make love, they couldn’t have, with what was happening to Bethanie. They just lay there loving each other, as Ian silently said goodbye. She wondered if she would ever see him again, and didn’t think so. She was fighting not to lose Bethanie, and she was losing him at the same time, and she knew there was nothing she could do to stop him. She had to focus on Bethanie first and give her every ounce of her strength. She didn’t have enough for him too and he knew it. He had none for her.
He watched her leave the next day for the airport in a cab. He held her tight for a minute, and hugged Bethanie.
“You take care of your mama for me, right, Miss Beth?”
“Yes, Mr. Ian,” she said in a weak voice and smiled at him, as he steeled himself not to cry in front of her. His eyes met Coco’s for a long moment. He kissed her through the cab window, as she felt four