an Uber,” I told him, ready to run if I had to in order to get out of this apartment.
“The cops,” he started to say.
“KNOW NOTHING. Creed is not…he is not…” I couldn’t’ finish that sentence. My knees went weak then and I grabbed the door knob to hold myself up.
Chet was there then, helping me stand and moving me back toward the sofa. A sob tore from my chest and I crumbled onto the worn leather, my body wracking uncontrollably with sobs. I heard Chet and Griff talking, but I couldn’t focus on their words.
I felt the sofa sink as someone sat down beside me.
“What can I do?” Griff asked.
“Nothing. I just need Creed to wake up and let us know where he is,” I said, not looking at him. I stayed in a fetal position and tried to process what I knew. There was no body. I held onto that as tightly as I could. It was all that kept me from falling apart. Creed wouldn’t leave me.
“What can we do?” Griff then asked Chet.
“We wait. If he’s alive, we will know soon enough. If there is a way,” he paused then. “If he’s out there, he’ll show up.”
I hated Chet for saying “if.” I hated myself for coming here last night. I hated Griff for showing up drunk and causing this all to happen. I hated the police for believing Creed couldn’t have gotten out of the Jeep.
Why hadn’t he stayed at Dalm’s? I told him that we would talk tomorrow. I told him I just needed some space. Why didn’t he just wait?
The day went on, and Creed never showed up. The Coast Guard began dragging the marsh and my world became a dark place I no longer recognized. I had lost Creed when I was seventeen and a miracle brought him back to me. Life was cruel and cold. It only gave me complete joy long enough for me to know what it felt like, before snatching it away from me.
How did one find joy again after losing their soulmate? It had been easier when I lost him the first time because I knew he still lived. His light was still shinning and I could accept a life without him if he was alive. However, how did I go on with him gone from this world?
The pain that came with the setting of the sun, knowing he wasn’t coming back, was beyond any hurt that I had ever known. It was a despair so deep I didn’t want to find the light. I would sink into it until I was numb. It was the only way I knew I could survive.
Thirty-two
December 16, 2019
Boston, Massachusetts
Twenty-Four hours. It had been twenty-four hours since I’d been woken up to hear Chet tell me Creed had drowned. For those twenty-four hours, I had stayed strong. I had believed he would show up. That he would explain it all.
Now, I stood at the spot where they pulled his Jeep from the water as the icy wind dried my tears. He hadn’t called. His phone was found in the Jeep but still no word from him. He hadn’t checked into a hotel and his credit cards hadn’t been used. Every ounce of hope I had held onto so tightly seemed to wash away with the water in front of me.
My knees buckled and I welcomed the ground beneath me. How was I supposed to go on tomorrow and the next day? My heart had been shattered before, but it had never been taken from me. This was a level of pain I didn’t know existed. The hell that Albert had mentioned all made sense to me now.
“Sailor,” Chet’s voice called out to me, but I refused to look back at him. Every time he looked at me, I saw the truth. He had accepted Creed was gone. He had from the very beginning. I hated to see that in his eyes. He felt sorry for me. I could see that too.
“Sailor, you need to get inside and warm up. You are going to freeze out here,” he said as his boots stopped in front of me. I stared at those boots so different from Creed’s black ones. Creed wore black combat boots where Chet’s were a soft brown suede that reminded me of a med student or a minister.
“Don’t make me throw you over my shoulder. I can’t let you freeze to death. Please come with me,” Chet pleaded.
I lifted my