He patted my knee and I studied his hand. It wasn’t as big as Beau’s or as tanned.
“It’s okay. I know the old Ash will show up again once you finish mourning.” He paused and I glanced up at him. A small frown line appeared on his forehead. Something was bothering him. I’d known him most of my life and I knew that look.
“A few of the ladies from church mentioned Beau holding your hand at the wake.” He let out a forced chuckle. “It bothered them and they thought I should know.”
Instead of panicking I got angry. Stupid busybodies. This was exactly what I’d known would happen. Everyone would jump on the Sawyer bandwagon and start bad-mouthing Beau. Like Beau needed them to dislike him anymore than they already did. I wanted to howl in frustration. Instead I took a calming breath and counted backwards from ten in my head. Every once in a while the counting thing took the edge off. When I was sure I could respond without sounding livid I said the first thing that came to my mind.
“When we were kids Beau was just as close to me as you were. He sat on my Grana’s porch just as many times as you did. He ate my Grana’s cookies and played Uno with her just like you. She was a part of his childhood. One of the few bright spots. He knew you were gone and he knew I would be devastated. So he came to the church and asked me if I’d gone up to see her. I admitted I hadn’t and wasn’t sure I could. He then encouraged me to go say my goodbyes and said he’d walk with me. I guess he saw the fear in my eyes and he reached down and took my hand. Then we walked together to the front of the church. He let my hand go and stepped back while I had my last few moments of closure with Grana. Then he took my hand and walked me out of the church because, like you, he knows when I’m about to lose it. And he knows the little girl inside enough to know I didn’t want to break down in front of everyone and have them hovering around me.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes. I’d heard the anger in my tone. No doubt he had too.
“Remind me to thank him for watching out for my girl. I owe him one. It’s about time you two realized you were best friends for most of your life. I always felt a little guilty it had ended.”
There he went again talking about how he felt guilty. I just wanted to go home and bury myself under the covers. This was too much to deal with right now. The guilt, the anger, the frustration, the pain—it was all going to drive me insane.
Chapter 12
We walked toward the bonfire. I’d decided against telling Sawyer about Ryan’s stupid drunken episode last week. It was over now and it hadn’t been so bad after all. Of course Ryan touching me was gross but I’d ended the evening with Beau playing pool. The memory of him grinning across the pool table at me as I set up my shot caused my heart to ache. I missed him so much.
As we made our way into the clearing several people stopped Sawyer and welcomed him home. Everyone wanted to talk football. I smiled and appeared to be waiting patiently while scanning the crowd for Beau. I hadn’t seen him since I’d walked out of his trailer without a goodbye. Every night since then I’d laid in my bed holding my phone, willing him to call or at least text me. But he hadn’t. The idea that things would go back to the way they had been before terrified me. I couldn’t be with him the way I wanted but I didn’t want to lose everything. My anger at the way he’d dismissed me had dimmed. Now I just wanted to see him. Talk to him. See him smile at me.
“Come on, I see Beau and Nicole over there,” Sawyer said as he slipped his hand behind my back and led me over to a small group of football players and their girlfriends. The group was sitting on the tailgate of a few trucks and three old tractor tires they’d hauled out here years ago for seating. A small fire crackled in the middle of the group, putting a warm glow on all their faces.
“Sawyer. The man has returned,” Ethan Payne said, grinning from his spot on the tailgate of his truck. Brooke Milery snuggled up against him and lifted a hand to wiggle her bright pink nails at us in greeting. They’d broken up last spring but apparently they were back together or heading in that direction. Her legs were draped over his lap and his hand was tucked snugly between her thighs.
“Come talk to us. Tell us how you’re going to lead us to State,” said Toby Horn, who I knew played cornerback because he’d intercepted a pass at the state championship game last year then ran it in by jumping over two tackles before making a touchdown to win us the game. After the game his status level had risen. Which would explain why the head cheerleader, Kayla Jenkins, was sitting in his lap. She’d been determined to get Beau’s attention last year. It appeared as if she had moved on.
“I’m not the one who nailed the win at the last state game,” Sawyer reminded him as he leaned against the truck and pulled me back against him.
“You know that’s right. I think we need to make sure coach gives our star corner some more wide receiver action,” Ethan piped in.
“Agreed,” Sawyer replied.
They continued to talk football but I couldn’t pay attention. Beau was directly across from me. It was taking all my will power not to look at him. I smiled and tried not to appear stiff, although I felt uncomfortable with Sawyer’s arms wrapped around my waist. Sawyer leaned down and kissed my temple casually while he talked. I heard something about a blitz and upping the practice time. But all my focus was on not staring at Beau.
“Earth to Ashton,” Kayla’s voice broke into my thoughts. I jerked my head up and stared directly at her. She seemed to be waiting on me to reply.
“Um, I didn’t hear you, sorry,” I said, feeling the blush creep up my neck. She giggled and twirled a long red curl around her finger.
“I asked you if you wanted to be one of the spirit girls this year. Maybe this year our quarterback will actually accept a spirit girl if he gets to choose you.”
Spirit girls were girls the cheerleaders added to their numbers so every football player would have a girl to make him goodies on game day. Off the record, spirit girls also happened to help their player with his homework, order him a pizza to be delivered to the school for lunch, and some unofficial things like back massages and other “hands on” activities. The starters always picked their spirit girl then the rest of the players went in a hat and the spirit girls drew names.
“Um, yes, of course,” I replied.
Sawyer chuckled. “Then Ash is mine.”
Kayla smiled but she seemed more annoyed than amused. “We’re assigning each girl two players this year. So you’ll have one more boy to take care of too. The boys haven’t picked yet but I doubt anyone else chooses you since you’re Sawyer’s. You’ll have to draw a name.”
Nicole laughed and I instantly tensed, preparing for her rude comment. Without thinking I glanced over toward the sound of her laughter and immediately wished I hadn’t. Beau was sitting on the ground leaning up against a tractor tire with his legs bent and wide open. Right in between his muscular jean-clad legs sat Nicole. She had one arm wrapped around his neck and the other one resting on his knee. It would have been easier if she’d just stood up and punched me in the gut. Maybe whacked me around a few times. At the moment the pain would be a welcome distraction to the tightness taking over my chest.
Beau’s eyes locked on mine. After everything we’d been through together I hoped I would see some small shred of . . . oh . . . I don’t know. Just something. But he didn’t look phased by me at all. It was as if those two weeks never happened. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“You know, Ashton, I’ve always wondered what it is you do so right that keeps Sawyer on such a tight leash. I mean you’ve got to be hiding some hidden talent from us.” Nicole’s words were slurred but they were loud and I was positive everyone heard her. Even people not in the little group surrounding us. My stomach turned and twisted. God, I hoped I didn’t get sick.
“It isn’t one thing, Nic, she’s perfect at everything she does.” Sawyer’s voice sounded as calm and nice as always.
Nicole snarled, “Doubt that. You just forgot what a good time feels like.”