“I think this is a good start. I feel positive about this. You look good. I’ve studied your records, and as you know, we had to change up your medications. Some things you can’t take while pregnant, but I feel sure this will work out just fine. You call me if you feel funny at any time. Don’t wait. Call me.” He turned his focus on me. “She needs to call me immediately,” he repeated.
“Yes, sir,” I replied. Not something he had to demand of me. The second I thought she was having problems, I’d call the ambulance, then I’d call him.
He pulled the monitoring equipment up, and I pulled Harlow’s shirt down and helped her sit up, but not before kissing her nose. I had to kiss her somewhere. She held on to my arm for a moment, that huge, brilliant smile still in place. “We heard it,” she said, as if to reassure me that we had heard the baby’s heartbeat.
“Yeah, we did,” I said.
How was I supposed to not want that? How could I choose anyone or anything over Harlow? I was a mess. A confused mess. I loved that sound because it was us. Our baby. It also made her so damn happy. Was I being selfish not to want her to have this because I might lose her?
The doctor told Harlow some more things about her new medications and said that she should continue with moderate exercise as long as she rested often. She assured him that she would, and then we were escorted out through the back entrance again.
When we were in the truck and headed back to Rosemary Beach, Harlow scooted close to me. “That was amazing,” she said softly.
I didn’t want to agree with her, but she was right. It was. “Yeah, I know.”
She wrapped her arms around one of mine and laid her head on my shoulder. “In about two more months, we’ll find out if it’s a boy or a girl, and we’ll be able to see it move.”
A boy or a girl . . . see it move . . . I wanted those things. I wanted them with her. Only her. But I couldn’t forget the risk. Was this the way it was supposed to be in life? You couldn’t have every dream, but you could have part of it? You could only have a taste of something but never the full thing?
My precious baby,
Today we heard your heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. I’ve never felt so much joy. Until that moment, I didn’t know that much joy was possible for one human to process. My heart was bursting with love. Knowing that you were in there. That you were safe.
Your daddy said that when I laughed, your heart rate sped up as if you heard me. I hope you did. You make me so very happy. You aren’t even here, and my life is so full.
I’ve never seen your father quite so moved, either. He didn’t say much, but the wonder in his eyes as the sound of your beating heart filled the room was something I will never forget. I will carry it with me forever. You became real to him today.
Don’t get me wrong. He loved you before. He just didn’t know how much until he heard you. He doesn’t have the connection we have yet, because you’re safely tucked inside of me. You will bond with him soon enough, though. You will be the reason he laughs and finds joy in life. I just hope I get to see it.
But remember, if I don’t, I will be there in spirit. I promise to make a deal with heaven to get a front-row seat to your life. I want to see the two people I love most in the world experience this lifetime together. If I’m there with you right now, you know how much I love you, because I’ll be crying as you read this, just as I’m crying happy tears right now.
Your life was blessed before you even arrived. No matter how God determines my fate, you won’t be alone. You will do great things, and I will be watching you and cheering you on, either right there beside you or above the clouds.
Love you always,
Mommy
Harlow
Blaire sat at the table trying to get Nate to eat his dinner. He wasn’t interested. He was focused on the door his daddy and his uncle Grant had just walked through.
“You have to eat,” Blaire told him as he slammed his small hands on the high chair in frustration.
“No! Dada!” he shouted.
Blaire rolled her eyes. “‘No’ is his new word of the week. If I’ve heard ‘no’ once this week, I’ve heard it a million times. That and ‘Dada’ seem to be his favorite words. Last week, it was ‘cah’ and ‘Dada,’ ‘cah’ meaning car, which means he wants to go in the car. The kid likes to go.”
I smiled and watched as he pointed at the door and demanded, “Dada,” again. He was very fond of his father.
“I give up,” Blaire said, setting down the bowl of oatmeal she had been trying to get him to eat. “Let me see if Rush minds taking him outside with them.”
Nate watched his mother walk to the door with complete concentration until he realized I was still seated on the other side of him. He swung his silver eyes my way and gave me a toothless grin. The older he got, the more he looked like his dad. Which I was sure was a good thing for all the female babies of the world. One day, there would be another Finlay man available.
Blaire came back inside, followed by Rush. His eyes went straight to Nate. “You want me, little man?” he said, grinning as if he didn’t already know the answer.
“Take the oatmeal with you, and see if you can get him to eat it while y’all do your male bonding,” Blaire said.
Rush unbuckled Nate, who was now clapping happily, and took the bowl Blaire was holding out for him. He bent down and kissed Blaire. I turned my head when I saw the tip of his tongue swipe her bottom lip.