I heard him, and he made sense, but I was still tormented by the idea that this life I was growing attached to could take Harlow’s life away. She was my number one. “If I lose her, it’s my fault. I did this. I wasn’t careful, and now she’s pregnant,” I said. He had heard me say this before, but it was haunting me, and I needed to say it. I couldn’t say it to her. And having Kiro tell me this exact same thing only confirmed it. I did this.
“You didn’t know she had health problems. She was scared to tell you, and I understand that, but I also know that you can’t blame yourself for something you didn’t know.”
I had always been careful. Never sleeping with anyone without protection. I’d never considered going without a wrapper, but Harlow had gotten under my skin, and I was so damn crazy about her that I lost all rational thought. My lust for her made me make bad decisions. But did my not knowing about her heart actually change anything? No. It was still the same outcome. I did this.
Last night, Harlow had lain in my arms, and I’d watched her eyes study the room. Finally, she had said we would need to move the dresser into the living room to fit the baby’s crib. I hadn’t responded. I hadn’t known how. I liked the idea of bringing the baby home and Harlow rocking it, holding it, and putting it to bed. But I was afraid to live in that world. Because if that wasn’t the outcome, I needed to be prepared to take on Harlow’s role, too.
She kissed me good-bye this morning when I left for work, then she rolled over and went back to sleep. Seeing her get some rest eased my worries a little.
But I hadn’t told her the truth about where I was going.
I wasn’t working; I was house hunting. If Harlow could live by sheer force of will, I decided I was going to give her the world to fight for. Starting with a house and a bedroom she could decorate for our baby. We could paint it together and pick out the furniture, although I was going to go along with anything she said. Unless, of course, it was a boy and she tried to put girlie shit in his room.
I parked my truck outside of the house I wanted to buy for her—for us. It wasn’t as big as what she was used to, but Harlow wasn’t one to expect luxury. She had grown up with her grandmother in a modest home in North Carolina.
The light blue house was farther out from the water than I wanted—beachfront properties were out of my price range—but it was in a quaint little gated community. The houses weren’t too close together, but it was still a neighborhood of sorts. A coastal one. I had driven by this house on more than one occasion and admired it. The white fence around it and the wraparound porch with large hurricane shutters made it look like an old Florida plantation, but it was smaller and only a few years old. The owner had built it and never moved in. It had been on the market since then. I had always thought it was a shame that no one ever used the swing in the large oak tree in the front yard or enjoyed the rocking chairs on the front porch. It was just empty.
Rush’s Range Rover pulled up beside me, and I opened my truck door. I had called him after I’d gone to the real estate office that was selling the house and gotten a key. The office handled a lot of the sales for the condos I built, so they didn’t mind handing over the key.
Rush stepped out, looked up at the house and back at me, and grinned. “I feel like I’m in Mayberry. It even has a f**king tree swing.”
Laughing, I walked through the gate and stepped into the front yard. “Question is, do you think she’ll like it?” I asked him as I took the four steps leading up to the porch two at a time.
“I think she’ll love it,” Rush said, following me.
I unlocked the door, and we stepped inside. The entryway was small but had high ceilings with exposed beams. A staircase was to the left, and a hallway leading into the living room was straight ahead. We walked into the living room, which had a large fireplace with a big sturdy mantel as its focal point. The hardwood floors were tongue-and-groove, which only made the older coastal feel of the house more authentic. There was an arched doorway leading into the kitchen and dining room to the right and then another arched doorway to what looked like a sunroom to the left.
“How many bedrooms?” Rush asked as he looked out to the backyard. It was fenced in and had plenty of space for a swing set and maybe a pool when the baby was older.
“Agent said it was a four-bedroom. All upstairs.”
“Might want to check those out. They could make or break the place.”
I nodded, and we headed upstairs. The board-and-batten walls were a nice touch; I knew they cost a little more than basic Sheetrock. The room directly to the right was a guest bedroom. It wasn’t that big, but it had a walk-in closet and a small private bathroom. We walked to the next room, which was larger, with an even bigger walk-in closet. It was joined by a connecting bathroom to another room identical to it. Then to the far right was the master bedroom. It had its own fireplace and a Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. The place was nicer than I expected. I hoped they’d take my offer and come down on the asking price a little.
“I think it’s perfect,” Rush said as we walked through the attic space.
“Me, too.”
“Guess it’s time you called and made an offer.”
I couldn’t wait to show Harlow. To enjoy watching her decorate the place. We could make a lifetime of memories here. I wanted a lifetime of memories with her. This was the perfect setting.
My precious baby,
I spent the day looking at cribs. I had no idea there were so many of them. Finding the one that will be perfect for you is going to be harder than I thought. So I walked away without buying one. But I didn’t walk away empty-handed.
Since we don’t know if you’re a boy or a girl yet, I decided that I had better buy an outfit for each scenario. If you’re a girl, then you wore the soft pink gown with the white trim and matching bonnet home from the hospital. And if you’re a boy, you wore the sea-blue romper with the baseball and bat on the front. I bought both of those outfits today, just in case.
I probably could have waited until I knew what you would be, but I was too excited. Seeing all those little outfits and feeling the soft fabric had me imagining you and daydreaming about the day I would get to hold you.
I expect I will get to do a lot of that, since you’ll be sleeping in our room. I’m already planning on where I’ll put your crib. I think you’ll like a view of the water. Maybe we can make that work.
It really doesn’t matter where you sleep, because no matter where it is, you will always be safe, cherished, and loved.
Love you always,
Mommy