The Zahir Page 0,12

file a report on a civil war in Africa.

What are you saying?"

"That I want to be a war correspondent."

"You're mad. You don't need to do that. You're already doing the work you want to do now. You earn good money - not that you need that money to live on. You have all the contacts you need in the Favor Bank. You have talent and you've earned your colleagues' respect."

"All right then, let's just say I need to be alone."

"Because of me?"

"We've built our lives together. I love my man and he loves me, even though he's not always the most faithful of husbands."

"You've never said anything about that before."

"Because it doesn't matter to me. I mean, what is fidelity? The feeling that I possess a body and a soul that aren't mine? Do you imagine I haven't been to bed with other men during all these years we've been together?"

"I don't care and I don't want to know."

"Well, neither do I."

"So, what's all this about wanting to write about a war in some godforsaken part of the world?"

"As I said, I need to."

"Haven't you got everything you need?"

"I have everything a woman could want."

"What's wrong with your life then?"

"Precisely that. I have everything, but I'm not happy. And I'm not the only one either; over the years, I've met and interviewed all kinds of people: the rich, the poor, the powerful, and those who just make do. I've seen the same infinite bitterness in everyone's eyes, a sadness which people weren't always prepared to acknowledge, but which, regardless of what they were telling me, was nevertheless there. Are you listening?"

"Yes, I'm listening. I was just thinking. So, according to you, no one is happy?"

"Some people appear to be happy, but they simply don't give the matter much thought. Others make plans: I'm going to have a husband, a home, two children, a house in the country. As long as they're busy doing that, they're like bulls looking for the bullfighter: they react instinctively, they blunder on, with no idea where the target is. They get their car, sometimes they even get a Ferrari, and they think that's the meaning of life, and they never question it. Yet their eyes betray the sadness that even they don't know they carry in their soul. Are you happy?"

"I don't know."

"I don't know if everyone is unhappy. I know they're all busy: working overtime, worrying about their children, their husband, their career, their degree, what they're going to do tomorrow, what they need to buy, what they need to have in order not to feel inferior, etc. Very few people actually say to me: 'I'm unhappy.' Most say: 'I'm fine, I've got everything I ever wanted.' Then I ask: 'What makes you happy?' Answer: 'I've got everything a person could possibly want - a family, a home, work, good health.' I ask again: 'Have you ever stopped to wonder if that's all there is to life?' Answer: 'Yes, that's all there is.' I insist: 'So the meaning of life is work, family, children who will grow up and leave you, a wife or husband who will become more like a friend than a real lover. And, of course, one day your work will end too. What will you do when that happens?' Answer: There is no answer. They change the subject."

"No, what they say is: 'When the children have grown up, when my husband - or my wife - has become more my friend than my passionate lover, when I retire, then I'll have time to do what I always wanted to do: travel.' Question: 'But didn't you say you were happy now? Aren't you already doing what you always wanted to do?' Then they say they're very busy and change the subject."

"If I insist, they always do come up with something they're lacking. The businessman hasn't yet closed the deal he wanted, the housewife would like to have more independence and more money, the boy who's in love is afraid of losing his girlfriend, the new graduate wonders if he chose his career or if it was chosen for him, the dentist wanted to be a singer, the singer wanted to be a politician, the politician wanted to be a writer, the writer wanted to be a farmer. And even when I did meet someone who was doing what he had chosen to do, that person's soul was still in torment. He hadn't found peace yet either. So I'll ask you again: