You Know I Need You (You Are Mine #4) - Willow Winters Page 0,15
out, “that I’m actually considering starting to write letters again.” I remember how I used to write to my mother when she died. It was what my therapist had suggested. “That’s how low I feel,” I tell them, emphasizing each word.
“You can tell us, you know?” Sue says and Jules nods in agreement. Maddie’s soft gaze loses its ever-present happiness and all that’s reflected in her expression is a sad smile.
“I’ll probably cry too much to get it out,” I respond and huff a sarcastic laugh to keep from completely losing it again. “I just wish someone could explain it. I feel crazy.”
“Well, you’re pregnant so you’re allowed to be crazy,” Maddie says as if that’s a known fact and it actually makes me laugh. It’s just a little bubble of one, but it’s something at least.
“So let’s have the complete update,” Jules says and squares her shoulders as she gives me her full attention.
“It’s over.” The words come out easier than I thought they would. Maybe I’m just numb to them, I don’t know.
“For real, for real?” Maddie asks me.
“Yeah, I’m not,” I pause and shake my head then close my eyes. “I’m not doing this back and forth. I know where I want my life to go, I know what I need to do, and Evan just isn’t there.”
“Did you tell him you’re pregnant?” Sue asks me cautiously.
“Yes.” The single word nearly strangles me and I swallow down the pain that threatens me. “I told him, and he was so happy.” I have to put my hand up to my mouth to keep from getting emotional again.
“I think it’s okay if you cry,” Sue says gently. “You’re going through so much and you can always blame it on hormones.”
A soft but genuine laugh sneaks in, shutting down the overwhelming heartache.
“I told him, and he still chose to leave.”
“Why?”
“He didn’t say,” I tell them then correct myself. “No, he said,” I try to quote him although I’m not sure if it’s exact, “’I have to finish something, but it’s only for a short while.’”
“What the heck does that mean?” Maddie asks with her face scrunched up.
“I don’t know,” I say, raising my voice in exasperation and that’s exactly how I feel.
“Maybe he’s worried about the stress from everything he’s going through getting to you?” Sue suggests and I don’t mean to, but I’m well aware that I stare daggers at her. “As if leaving me is any better?” I practically snap.
Her hands fly into the air defensively as she says, “I take it back. He’s such an asshole.”
“Here’s your tea, sweetheart.” Jules sits next to me on the plush sofa, holding out a cup for me. The steam itself is comforting. The seat sinks in slowly, dipping as she gets comfortable beside me.
“I’m still so happy you’re pregnant,” Maddie says, offering up a distraction as she leans forward and reaches for my hand, squeezing it gently. “You’re going to be the best mom,” she says with such certainty even though she looks so sad.
“Do you want one of us to go with you to your next doctor’s appointment?” Sue asks, but I shake my head.
“I’ll be fine.”
“It’s not about being fine, love,” Sue says. “I could take pictures or something.”
“Of her hoo-ha?” Maddie jokes and Sue rolls her eyes.
“Just to have someone there,” Sue says.
“I would love to go with you,” Jules says.
“I rescheduled the one I missed yesterday but it’s not for a few weeks,” I tell them, shrugging it off like it doesn’t matter. Like I’m not worried my baby can feel my pain and that every night I cry alone in our bed I’m damaging this tiny life.
Like I’m already a horrible mother and all this shit is going to hurt my baby.
“They couldn’t get you in sooner?”
“I told them I wasn’t free until the end of the month. I just want to get my life together,” I say and take in a calming breath. “I know what I want, and I’m going to go for it whether or not Evan is beside me.” Picking at nonexistent fuzz on my sweater I add, “I’m going to need some time before I can … before I can be the kind of happy and grateful I want to be when I first see my baby … even if it is only a little blip on a screen.”
“You deserve happiness,” Maddie says and the other girls nod.
“Instead of the appointment, I watched a bunch of men I don’t know