Wrong Question, Right Answer (The Bourbon Street Boys #3) - Elle Casey Page 0,114

for the abuse. You do it all the time.”

Now he’s making me mad. “No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. I was out there causing trouble with the nurse and you blamed yourself.”

“Of course I did. I was ignoring your texts. I was telling them to keep you away from me, and your babies are in here. I get it. I would’ve done the same thing you did.”

He points a finger at me. “Exactly. That’s what I’m saying. You allow other people to react with violence in a situation where they should be reacting with violence but you don’t allow it for yourself.”

“It’s one thing to blame myself for somebody getting cranky with a nurse. It’s another thing when you’re talking about killing someone.”

He sighs. “There’s nothing I can say that’s going to make you understand, is there?”

I shake my head. “Sorry, but no. I don’t think so. Plenty of other people have already tried, believe me.”

Lucky puts his hands on either side of me and leans in closely, staring into my eyes. “Can you do me just one favor?”

I nod. “I think I can. Maybe. What is it?”

“Could you try to forgive yourself?”

“I’ve tried, but I can’t.”

Lucky looks at my belly and reaches down to rub it through my hospital gown. “Can you try to do it for the peas?”

“Do you mean Milli and Vanilli?”

Lucky’s eyes brighten as he looks up at me. “Really? Can we call them Milli and Vanilli?”

I laugh, resting my hand on his arm. “Only when they’re in utero. After they’re born, no way in hell.”

Lucky holds out a hand. “Deal.”

I shake his hand, letting him pull my fingers up to kiss them again.

I let out a long breath before speaking the words that are in my mind and my heart. “I’m going to try to figure out this forgiveness thing, but only if you will too. We both need to find a way to live with the tragedies in our past so we can move on to our future.”

He stares at me for a long time before nodding. “I can do that. For you and the babies. Milli and Vanilli.”

I grin, feeling for the first time that it might actually be possible to learn to live with my mistakes. I might never be able to completely forgive myself, but with Lucky’s support, who knows?

“What are we going to do now?” he asks, his voice and expression lighter.

“I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I need to go face the music.”

“What do you mean, face the music?”

“I have to talk to May about her wedding and the bachelorette party I won’t be attending.”

Lucky cringes. “Yeah . . . you’re not going to make a very pretty bridesmaid.”

“Is it bad? I’ve been afraid to look in the mirror.”

His smile is pained. “Let’s just say that you may have to invest in a little bit of makeup.”

“How mad are they? Jenny and May, I mean . . .”

Lucky’s expression doesn’t change. “I’m not exactly sure.”

“You’re lying.”

He sighs and looks down at our hands laced together. “Everybody’s worried, of course. And they’re all a little bit confused as to why you would go see Charlie’s mother.” He looks up at me. “But I get it. I do.”

Maybe it shouldn’t matter, but it makes a difference that he feels that way. He gives me the sense that I’m not alone in this waking nightmare I’ve been living for years.

“Thanks for saying that. Even if you don’t mean it.”

“No, I mean it. I’m serious. You know, you and I are not so different.”

“What do you mean?”

“We both have a huge load of regret we carry from our past that we wish we could fix with a do-over, but we can’t. So we just have to learn how to move forward with it.”

“I don’t think what you did is anything close to what I did, though.”

“I think, on the cosmic balance sheet, it’s difficult to say whether one thing is worse than the other. Yes, you killed Charlie. But he was coming after you to kill you. If he hadn’t succeeded in doing it that day, he would have on another. The violence was getting really bad between you two, and you know it. And I didn’t shoot a gun at my sister, but maybe my negligence or failure to notice what was going on and do something about it was just as bad.” He shrugs. “I’ve tortured myself over it long enough. You showed me that. It’s you who made