I get physically disoriented after kissing him. I’m always surprised when he calls because I assume he’s going to bail.’ No one said anything, so I go on. ‘And the other one is like a herd dog. He calls between dates and leaves me funny messages when I’m at work and doesn’t hide how he feels about me. He’s older and has two kids and can be pretty adorable.’
They look as stumped as I am.
‘The second one’s Oscar Kolton, the writer, isn’t it?’ Craig says. ‘I saw him ogling you that day.’
‘Just pick the one you like to fuck,’ James says, the first words he’s ever said to me.
‘She hasn’t fucked either of them,’ Harry says, which isn’t his to tell, but I know he can’t resist talking to James about fucking.
‘Well, there’s your problem,’ James says.
‘There’s a big difference between love and sex,’ Craig says.
‘Pay attention to what they say, not what they do,’ Yasmin says.
Angus laughs. ‘Don’t pay any attention at all to what we say!’
‘You don’t always want what you need,’ Dana says.
‘It’s always a choice between fireworks and coffee in bed,’ Fabiana says. ‘It always is.’
‘You lot are useless,’ Harry says. ‘I’m with James.’ He looks up from folding a napkin, but James is watching Angus drain his sangria.
Craig mixes up another pitcher. ‘Imagine you have a roommate who is really hot and awesome,’ he says to me. ‘Which of your guys wouldn’t sleep with her?’
‘Imagine you have a kid that spikes a fever of a hundred and five,’ Fabiana says. ‘Which one won’t freak out?’
‘Or imagine you have a kid and the kid is possessed and starts spewing blood all over the walls.’ Angus says.
‘Or you’re climbing Everest and your kid is buried in an avalanche on the Kangshung Face,’ James says. ‘Which one rips off his clothes to make a new baby with you?’
‘Listen, Casey Kasem,’ Dana says, tossing her last roll-up onto the pile. ‘You spend enough time at the racetrack, you know your horse, okay? You always know your horse.’
Sunday night the roads are quiet. I cross Comm. Ave. easily, without the usual wait, and have the BU Bridge to myself. It’s dusk and the river is pink and no boats break the stillness. I ride by the Sunoco station where Luke and I said goodbye. The marigolds are gone now. I’m not sure when I stopped noticing them. I feel an unexpected sense of accomplishment as I pedal past. I pass the geese, only a handful, stomping at the edge of the water like swimmers bracing for the cold. Then the footbridge where Silas kissed me. My insides wheel up and over, but he’s probably back from Gettysburg by now and hasn’t called and I am going to eat chicken fingers and cucumber slices with Oscar and his boys.
All the lights are on at their house. I lean my bike against some stiff bushes near the front steps, and while I’m looking for a bell or a knocker the door opens a crack. A snout appears.
‘Hello, Bob.’
Bob barks once. The sound frightens him, and he disappears back in the house yelping.
The door opens a little wider, and Jasper’s face hovers over the doorknob.
‘Let her in.’ John nudges Jasper out of the way.
I step inside. It’s not what I expected. I didn’t know I had expected anything until it wasn’t there. No entryway, no front hall, no doors or doorways. On the outside it’s a regular clapboard colonial, but inside all the rooms have been removed. The whole downstairs is one large space, walls painted bright white and a set of stairs that seem suspended by wires cutting a diagonal to the left and revealing an open section of the second floor. The kitchen is in the middle, with an island and bright red stools along its outer edge. Oscar has his back to me, bent over and fiddling with food on a tray in the oven.
‘Is Casey in the house?’ he says.
‘Casey’s in the house,’ John says.
‘She rode a bike,’ Jasper says.
‘Did she wear her helmet?’
I hold it up for the boys to see.
‘Yes!’
‘I can take that for you,’ John says.
Both boys are wearing button-down shirts and khakis. Belts around their small waists. Jasper already has a few smudges on his white sleeve. All three of them have damp hair, cleanly parted.
Oscar straightens up. ‘Twelve minutes on each side.’ His face is splotched, and his eyes are wild.
‘Hi there.’ I kiss him on the cheek. He feels stiff and far away.