been annoyed or needed space. I…” I sighed, the sound heavy and forlorn. “I don’t even know if I can face the truth.”
“The truth of what?” Rin asked gently.
I didn’t meet her eyes. I locked my gaze on the ice cubes in my drink and said the words aloud that I’d been avoiding for days. Weeks. Since the first time I met him.
“That I like him. That I want him to want me. That I want him to kiss me as much as it terrifies me that he will.”
“You kiss all the time,” Katherine noted. “The two of you in a lip-lock populates an entire Instagram.”
“That’s different. That’s fake.”
Her face flattened. “How many times are you going to fake kiss before it becomes real?”
“Oh, I don’t know, but I think I might have reached that limit,” I said miserably. “Why did he have to tell me he wanted more? I wish he’d just kept it to himself. Because now that I know how he feels, I’m even more confused. How can I say no? How can I say yes?” A shake of my head, my eyes still cast down. “This was the arrangement, and I’m well aware of what I’m capable of. I would gladly make out with him in the safety of public where it’s fake. But opening the door to be together in private is a step too far. I don’t know how to do that, what it would even mean. And I guarantee I would end up hurt. Besides, we have so much work to do. If something happened, if we fought or broke up or…I don’t know. If I left now…”
“He’d write it on his own,” Katherine finished, ever the pragmatist. “I’m only suggesting that things are already moving in that direction. Why not go for it?”
Heat rose in my cheeks again, this time in defense. “Because I’m scared. Because I don’t know what’s real and fake anymore. I don’t know how to feel or what to do or how to answer him, because if I know Tommy at all, he’s not going to just let it go. I’m caught in the limbo of expectation. Tommy’s pressuring me—”
My friends sat straighter, the air tightening.
“Not like that,” I assured them. “If I really told him no, he’d leave me alone. But that’s the trick. Because I don’t want him to leave me alone. But I need him to. I’m stuck. Stuck and screwed and not screwed because I’m a stupid virgin.”
I huffed, picked up my drink, and set it down before taking a sip.
“I have never been so sorry to be this inexperienced. If I had any experience at all, I wouldn’t hesitate. Well, not much at least,” I amended. “But there’s no way to do this without putting my heart in a slingshot and firing it into the Grand Canyon.” I made a splat sound with my mouth.
Rin took my hand, her face soft. “I get it. I really do. But Val and I have both been where you are—scared, unsure, and up against something that seems insurmountable. We took a chance even though it was scary. And you helped convince us to jump. I think we should return the favor.”
“This is different,” I said.
“Is it?” Rin pressed.
Val flashed a smile, stuffing her hand into her bag. When it reappeared, it was with her tube of Heartbreaker in hand. She clapped the flat end down on the table like a gavel.
I rolled my eyes. “Oh God.”
“I hereby call a meeting of the Red Lipstick Coalition to order. We promised to be brave, Amelia. To be bold. You’ve got your lipstick on right now. Don’t you dare betray it.”
I put on my most magnificent frown.
“You like Tommy,” she noted, “and he likes you. You have chemistry. You’re friends. You’re married, Amelia. And Tommy cares about you. He wouldn’t have told you if he didn’t mean it, would he?”
“No,” I answered softly.
“No, he wouldn’t,” Val agreed. “Most girls got their first kiss behind a temporary building in middle school. Most girls lost their virginity to a tuba player with acne in the back of a truck. Tommy is offering you the ultimate—a beautiful, rich, kind, funny, experienced man to be your first everything. So you might get hurt. That is the sad, unavoidable truth. But if that were a reason not to give your heart to a man, neither Rin nor I would have found love.”
Katherine nodded. “Has Tommy given you a reason to think he doesn’t mean