“What I’m trying to say is that if you believe you have power over your life, then you ultimately will. And if you believe you don’t, then you won’t.”
“Now you’re really starting to sound like Dr. Phil,” Deya said, rolling her eyes.
Sarah clucked her tongue. “I’m serious, Deya. You know what you have right now? The entire world at your fingertips. You can go home and tell my mother, ‘I’m not getting married right now. No matter how many suitors you find me, I refuse to marry any of them. I’m going to college first!’”
“I can’t say that.”
“Why not?”
“Because there’s no way Fareeda will let me go to college.”
“What is she going to do if you apply to college and get accepted? Stand at the door every morning and stop you from going to class?”
“I don’t know what she’ll do, but I don’t want to find out.”
“Why not? What do you have to lose?”
“I don’t know . . . I don’t know. But I don’t want to upset her. I can’t just defy her. I’m scared . . .”
“Scared of what? What could she possibly do? Hit you? Don’t you think standing up for your future is worth a beating or two?”
“I don’t know!” Deya said, feeling herself bubble with anger. “Please, just stop. You’re making light of the situation. You’re making it sound like I have more power over my life than I actually do, and it’s not fair. If things were really that simple, then why didn’t you do that yourself? You could’ve said the same thing to Teta, you could’ve never run away. But it’s not that simple, is it?”
“It is simple,” Sarah said softly. “No matter how you may feel now, this is a fact: your life is in your hands. If I had known that when I was your age, I would’ve done many things differently. I would’ve been less afraid of the future. I would’ve had more faith in myself. Believe me, not a day goes by that I don’t regret not standing up to my family. I haven’t seen them in over ten years, and I miss them. But most of all I wish I could’ve stayed and watched you and your sisters grow up, maybe even raised you myself.” She paused. “I don’t want you to end up like me, thinking your life isn’t in your hands. Making decisions out of weakness and fear. I ran away to escape the shame of what I’d done, but that came at a cost.”
“What cost? Your life seems pretty great to me.”
“Belonging,” Sarah said.
“Belonging?”
“It’s hard to explain. . . . I still struggle to accept myself and it would have been better if I’d started sooner, much sooner. It’s hard to belong anywhere, truly belong, if we don’t belong to ourselves first.”
Deya stared at her. “Are you saying you never made any friends? You never dated?”
“No, I’ve made friends and I’ve dated.”
“Are you with someone now?”
“No.”
“Why not? You live by yourself. You can do whatever you want.”
“I think that’s what I mean by truly belonging,” Sarah said. “I’ve met a lot of guys over the years, but it was hard for me to really connect with anyone. I wasted a lot of years pretending to be someone that I wasn’t.” She met Deya’s eyes. “Maybe if I’d had someone to trust back then, to help me find courage and believe in myself, I wouldn’t have had to lose my family to find freedom. That’s why I reached out, Deya. I want to help you find another way.”
Deya looked at her aunt for a long time. If Sarah, this Americanized woman, who had gone to college and managed a bookstore and lived freely—if she had regretted her choices, was there any hope for her? She felt herself sink into her chair. Would she always be afraid? Would she ever learn courage? Listening to Sarah now, she didn’t think so.
“What’s wrong?” Sarah asked, trying to meet her eyes. “Why the sad face?”
“I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. I thought I was confused about my life before—but now I’m even more confused. You’re telling me I need to accept myself for who I am, that I need to stand up for what I truly believe in instead of running away, but that only sounds good in theory. It doesn’t work like that in the real world. Self-acceptance won’t solve my problems, and courage won’t get me anywhere. These