from your debut last year. When and why did you start writing in haikus?’
Just as Fumi opened her mouth to respond, Percy woke and sneezed in her lap.
The audience laughed.
‘Please excuse him, I think he’s got jet lag,’ she said, to more laughter. ‘So, I started writing when I was very young, my father taught English in Kyoto and…’
As she talked, Percy jumped down from her lap and sniffed my feet. I tried to continue listening but found it hard to concentrate while he snuffled around my ankles.
‘I’m so sorry, is he bothering you?’ Fumi asked, breaking off from her answer and looking down at my feet.
‘No, no, not at all!’ I said. ‘Please go on. He’s fine.’
But as she started talking again, Percy reared up on his hind legs, his front feet on my knee, and started humping my ankle.
Nervous laughter rippled across the seats in front of us.
‘Oh, goodness, Percy! I’m so sorry,’ said Fumi, her silver nails flying to her cheeks. The laughter grew as Percy continued to shag my trainer.
‘No, no, it’s OK,’ I hissed, recrossing my legs, shaking Percy off in the process. I sat back and smiled at Fumi, encouraging her to continue. But that didn’t fool the nymphomaniac dog for long. Within seconds, he’d wrapped his paws around my calf and was at it again, his bottom pumping back and forth, dry humping my foot.
The audience had now fully lost it and the room echoed with their howls as I tried to swivel my legs away, only for Percy to leap right back on my ankle and redouble his efforts. What was wrong with this dog? Why was it so obsessed with my hideous shoes? It was going at my leg like a teenage boy.
‘Get off,’ I growled, leaning over to try and pull him away with my hands. I looked up at the audience and smiled, as if to reassure them that this was all fine, but all I could see was phones. A bank of phones. Everyone was taking pictures of me, gurning at the camera, while Percy the pug made love to my foot. How could I stop it? How does one stop a sex-crazed dog? I couldn’t kick him, could I? Christ, the laughter was getting louder.
Suddenly, a meaty pair of arms appeared in front of me and Igor picked Percy up by his collar. I felt my panic subside as he carried him back to his seat. My cheeks were on fire, I’d started sweating (obviously) and my trouser legs were covered with fine, pale, pug hairs.
‘Well,’ I said, a few moments later when the laughter had finally stopped. ‘I’m very flattered. But, sorry, Fumi, shall we pick up where we left off? You were talking about why you began writing haikus?’
Unruffled, Fumi carried on while I sat back in my seat, arms clamped to my sides, waiting for the heat in my cheeks to subside.
The only good thing about the foot-shagging debacle was that Rory didn’t see it because he hadn’t arrived. I realized this downstairs as I stood behind the till. Fumi was sitting at the table beside me, signing books for the long queue of fans who wanted selfies with her and Percy. He’d returned to her lap and was sitting proudly as an emperor. I narrowed my eyes at him. Say what you like about cats but they’d never do anything so impolite.
‘Where’s Rory?’ I mouthed at Ruby, who was hovering by the door.
She shrugged and shouted back, ‘Not sure. But I’ll wait for you.’
It took over an hour for the shop to empty. Fumi, with another wave of Percy’s paw, said goodbye and thanked us before carrying him to a black people-carrier parked outside. Jennifer climbed in after her. Zach and I watched from the shop door as Igor heaved himself into the front of the car and they drove off.
‘Well, that was a disaster,’ I said, turning to him.
‘Rubbish! You were great!’
‘Zach, that animal was out of control. I’ve never been so mortified in all my life.’
‘You were amazing, Flo,’ said Ruby, behind us. ‘I’m Ruby, by the way,’ she said to Zach, grinning at him.
‘I’m Zach, hi. I work with your sister.’
‘I guessed. It’s very rude of her not to mention you before.’
‘She can be pretty rude,’ he replied, before leaning in closer to Ruby, ‘but don’t tell her I said that. I’m quite scared of her when she’s angry. You should see her with a mop.’
The exchange made me want