with a stranger, even if she was a doctor, especially knowing how opposed he was to IVF to begin with. I couldn’t have risked it.”
“Couldn’t’ve risked what?” Jen asked.
“Couldn’t have risked losing him.”
There was a throb of silence then she said, “I can see how you felt betrayed by him. I hate to say this, but d’you think he was cheating on you? Like, in love with another woman?”
I flinched at her words but didn’t reply. Just went on crying, sobbing my heart inside out. Exposed and nude, I felt more vulnerable, more broken than ever.
Jen bent down and kissed my forehead. My shimmering blue robe, sumptuous on her long willowy frame, grazed my cheek. “There, there, don’t cry. It’s okay. Everything’ll be okay. I’m here.” She took a sponge and squirted it with some lavender bodywash. “We all need each other, we’re family, right? You, me, Dan, Kate. We’re all working our asses off so we can go visit our mom, but meanwhile we need you to get us through this, so be strong for us. You’re our mom number two!” She smiled and mustered up a small laugh. “Forget your past and whatever Juan did. You’ve got us now.”
“I’m so… sorry,” I heaved.
“It’s okay. Let it all out. Just let it all… out.” She laid her free hand on my forehead and pushed back my hair from my sweaty brow.
I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry, I feel such an idiot.”
Lathering up the sponge till it was foamy, she laid it gently on my back, her slender wrists making circular movements on my skin. I bent forward, crouching in a semi fetal position, hiding my breasts. The intimacy was awkward. But it felt soporifically soothing—I hadn’t been aware of how tight my muscles were—as Jen rubbed me all over, taking care to let the sponge creep up my spine, the nape of my neck, and along each shoulder, one by one. I could feel the knots loosen. It hit me that nobody had done this for me since I was a little girl. Not since my mother had bathed me. It made me blub all the more. I gulped great mouthfuls of air and made a strange baying sound that seemed as if it came from somewhere else, not my own lungs.
Jen was the grown-up. I was the child. We had shifted roles.
Everything was out of kilter.
Nineteen
Before I knew it I had polished off the whole bottle of Mumm. It tasted so delicious, so easy, like an old friend settling down for a long chat. The familiar buzz and honeyed sweetness—sweet, but not too sweet—was a welcome guest.
The bathroom felt like a boudoir. Under-floor, radiant heating. A chaise longue. A coffee table piled full of magazines. And, of course, the floor to ceiling picture windows, looking out to the ocean. Sometimes I could spot gray whales in the wintertime, on their way to their calving waters in Mexico. And on a moonless night, phosphorescence like sparkling diamonds.
This view was magical.
One in ten million houses were this special.
I’d been soaking in the tub for two hours. But it was still only nine o’clock. I jolted to attention as Jen re-entered the room, a trail of marijuana billowing behind her.
“You smoke weed?” I asked her. I had never allowed smoking in the house. I wanted to tell her smoking was forbidden, but it was like the pot calling the kettle black, considering I’d downed that bottle of Mumm. The champagne haze had completely taken hold of me, from the tips of my toes all the way up to my scalp. I was plastered. Hardly setting a good example of propriety.
“I indulge now and then,” Jen said. “I thought I’d keep you company, but I see you’ve drunk the lot. ‘Birds of a feather flock together’ like you say. Want a hit?”
“No. God no. I’ve got to go to work later.” The words trilled a little on my tongue. I wasn’t due at Mr. Donner’s until three o’clock. Still, it would take me a while to ride this out and freshen up. A couple of liters of water would do the trick. No big deal, it wasn’t like I’d drunk a load of whiskey or anything. I’d be able to function perfectly.
“I canceled for you,” Jen told me casually.
“What? Jen! You can’t go canceling my work! Mr. Donner’s expecting me!”
“Not anymore.”
“How did you even have his number?”
“It was in your phone.”
I remembered I had deactivated the password as I kept forgetting it.