of shears. “No, please, Jen. I do not want you to leave.”
“Then please be more honest with us. Trust us. Share yourself more. Open up.”
“Share what? I thought I was sharing.”
“Sure, you’ve shared a little. You made a big effort at the beginning, but now you’re holding out. The way you hold back… your feelings, it hurts.”
I absorbed her words and hurt tone. “Okay, I’ll make a note of that,” I said, and poured myself a fresh glass.
“Our mom is dying. You’re all we have right now. We need stability. Being strong all the time for someone is tough for us. We need a little love. You’re our rock. You’re everything to us right now.”
It was true. I’d only been thinking of myself. “But you have each other,” I said, my pulse racing with relief—relief that she wasn’t repeating the whisper-talk I thought I’d heard the other night. The dreaded words, “Dig deep,” the threat that they were onto me. A fumbled joy tugged at my heartstrings to know they even cared. That they needed me.
“We’re just kids still,” she went on in a soft voice. “Even Dan. He acts so brave, but he’s just a boy inside. Do you know how much this means to us? To have you include us, take us in and share your life with us? You’ve been like a parent. Don’t hold out on us now.”
“I’ll try. I’m just—”
“Your husband, you mean? You’re still sad?” Jen’s quick green eyes held mine for a beat. I looked away awkwardly and turned the tap to hot. Water gushed into the tub.
“Yes, I’m still sad,” I murmured through the tumbling splashes.
Jen changed her weight from one leg to the other and adjusted her (my) silk dressing gown. “He died in a car crash, right?”
I blinked at her. “Look, I really don’t want to discuss this right now.” I was glad the churning water drowned out my voice. A lump gathered in my throat.
“Okay.” But then she asked, “How many years were you married?”
“Ten.” Give or take. I wasn’t about to tell Jen the nitty-gritty truth.
“Happy years? You had a good marriage? You wanted kids?”
“Jen, I don’t care to visit that place right now, it’s all so…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. My vision blurred with tears—champagne tears or real tears, I wasn’t even sure—and before I could gain any control over myself my naked body began convulsing with sobs. I began thinking of my miscarriage with Juan, the whole IVF fiasco, the knowledge that I’d never have children.
“You tried for a family?” Jen persisted.
It all poured out in a torrent. “I suffered a miscarriage. I was forced to go under general anesthesia and have a D&C the day after they did an ultrasound and found our baby had no heartbeat and was dead in my womb. I was heartbroken. We tried for a baby again, but I didn’t get pregnant a second time.”
Jen laid her hand on my sweaty forehead. “You poor, poor thing.” Her voice was soft and caring, which made me cry all the more.
Tears were streaming down my face. “I was so d-desperate for a child. My mum was begging me for a grandson. My gynecologist suggested IVF, and I was, you know, thrilled at the idea, but when I put it to Juan, a look of absolute fury flickered in his eyes, and he said, ‘IVF? Are you kidding me?’ I realized his pride was more important to him than starting a family. He was convinced we could get pregnant without it.”
“Men can be pigs,” Jen said. “Excuse me, but that was real selfish of him.”
“When I told my gynecologist how opposed Juan was to IVF, she told me, ‘Well, you don’t have much choice. From the results of his semen analysis, you’ve either got to do IVF or your husband needs a vasectomy reversal. It’s a miracle you got pregnant the first time—one chance in a million—not likely to happen again.’ And I said to her, ‘But he hasn’t had a vasectomy.’ And she said, ‘With that low sperm count, I can assure you he has—believe it or not, some men hide it from their partners.’ So you see, Jen, I felt totally betrayed by him all round.”
“No shit.”
“I guess I must’ve erased that conversation with the gynecologist from my mind. She was young, fresh out of residency. I decided she must be an ignoramus. I never did bring up that discussion with Juan. You know, talking about his low sperm count