Moses and Moses alone, all was to be given, to be shared. The sweet would go back into his brother’s hand. And again, mpha. Give it to me.
Perhaps it had been his fate to return to that house. The money, while important, had not been what mattered. It was going back and facing what had happened.
He had been put on Earth to be of use to others. It had gone wrong from the moment he met Amen. There had been danger there, and he hadn’t faced it squarely, had only half stood up to Amen to say that violence was not his way. He had felt the uneasiness in that house from the beginning. White Dog had felt it too.
The chief of police had sent him back across the border because the shootings had scared him. He would not have been sent otherwise. He thought about the land of his birth, here all around him, denied to him now. In the dry season, the land was like an old man, skin of leather, eyes crinkled against sun. After the rains, like a young woman, with curves and silks of green. Would he ever see it again?
29
Behind the old hotel, Alice and Ian sat at a small table, looking out at the moon, one night away from full.
“You look far away,” he said.
“I feel worried about home, as though I’d forgotten to turn off the stove.”
“There’s someone looking after things, right?”
“Yes, but he didn’t know I’d be gone this long.”
“Will it matter to him?”
“I don’t think so. Will is checking on things.”
He searched her face. “If you’ve changed your mind, it’s all right.”
“Don’t keep urging me to go. I would have gone back with the group if I’d wanted to. Have you changed your mind?”
“No.” He took hold of her hand. “But I need to tell you something. I nearly told you when we met, but I didn’t. Then there didn’t seem to be an opportunity, and then there was no point because I was never going to see you again.
“I’m married. Gwyneth lives in Gaborone. We were students in Bristol when we met years ago.”
“You haven’t been living together?”
“No. The marriage is over.”
“Does she think it’s over?”
“She says she does.”
“What’s she doing in Gaborone?”
“Working as a secretary for De Beers. She’s seeing another bloke—Alec …”
She looked at Ian. His glasses were askew, rising on one side, which gave him a disorganized, imploring look. “It’s not Gwyneth L’Angley.”
“You know her?”
“I met her at a dinner party. I have to admit …”
“What?”
“She struck me as not all that curious about anything beyond herself. She drank too much.”
“She fights depression. I was never really there for her the way she needed me to be.”
“Could anyone have been there in that way?”
“I don’t know, but I still don’t feel that I’ve been fair to her.”
“She could see who you were from the beginning.”
“Maybe she couldn’t.” His hands were shaking. “Are you shocked?”
“A little. You might have told me sooner. But from what you’re saying, it’s over. You’re married, but not really.”
“Do you feel I’ve lied to you?”
“You didn’t tell me the whole story, but I can see why you didn’t.”
“Heedless” was the word that came to her later. But at that moment, the decision to love him seemed already to have been made. The waiter turned up with coffee, poured two cups, and left. Ian took a swig. “Tastes like weasel piss.”
She laughed. Underneath the laughter, though, was a small whiff of uneasiness, even fear. By now, she knew better than to give her life over to a man. It had been a kind of recurring illness, brief respites from her own uncertainties, tethering herself to this one and that one. “I don’t doubt you,” she said. “I doubt me. I’ve made little out of my life so far. You’ve probably never had a day in yours when you’ve doubted yourself.”
“What gave you that daft notion?”
“You seem to know what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, happy with your work, supremely confident.”
“I look like that to you?”
“Of course you do. In contrast, I think why would I be respected for anything I’ve ever done? I never finished my PhD. I missed a chance to do research in the plateau area of central-northern Nigeria. And then I missed a second chance to study the Romani people in southern Europe. I got married to Lawrence and came out here. There are so many things I’d have been interested in doing. Now I’m a paper pusher.”
“You’re worthy