You didn’t consult me before you took off with your Marine buddies for three days and I had no idea where you were.”
“We went to a fucking funeral,” he shouted. “Not like I was off fucking strippers and snorting lines. It was a funeral, for fuck’s sake.”
“I know that, Jude. I know.” I gritted my teeth and took calming breaths so I didn’t say anything that would set him off. “It’s just... I wanted to be there for you. If you’d told me, I would have gone with you.”
“You didn’t even know him.”
“I talked to him on the phone. You told me all about him. I knew you were close. I would’ve been there for you.”
“Did you have anyone over while I was gone? Did you pick up a guy at a bar? Did you fuck him in the bed you share with me?”
My mouth gaped open. “Oh my God. I’ve never cheated on you, asshole.”
“Oh, I’m the asshole now. You’re the one who was flirting with Tyler at The Roadhouse and I’m the asshole.”
“I wasn’t flirting. We were just talking. He’s your friend.”
“About what? What were you talking about that required so much concentration?”
You. We were talking about you. And we were talking about Reese. But if I told him that, it would only upset him. “I don’t even remember. We were just talking.”
“I’m sick of this fucking bullshit.” He hurled the remote at the wall. “I’m sick of your lies.”
“And I’m sick of you flying off the handle at every little thing.”
“Every little thing, huh?”
“This isn’t what you promised me. This is not the life you promised, Jude. Where’s that dream house you were going to build, huh? We haven’t even looked at any land. We haven’t even looked at any houses to buy. We’re living in this shitty apartment and—”
“Oh, wait. Hold up. I seem to remember you once told me you’d live in a double-wide or a mud hut if it meant you could be with me. Change of heart, baby? This ain’t the paradise you bargained for?”
“If it meant I could be with you. Exactly. The Jude I fell in love with. The Jude I have loved for so long. Where is that guy? The guy who bought me chocolate and gave me his favorite hoodie. The guy who promised to put the stars back in the sky. I don’t even know who you are anymore. Jude, you need to talk to someone. You need to talk to a professional. Please. You need help.”
“I don’t need a professional to tell me what I already know. I’m fucked in the head. There’s no fixing that. And the fucking VA hospital is useless. I tried, baby.” His voice cracked on the words, his head falling back against the sofa.
“I tried,” he said. “I’m so fucking sick of getting the runaround. I’m at the bottom of the fucking list.” He scrubbed his hand over his face, his eyes bleak.
“I know, baby, I know.” My heart was breaking for him like it had so many times since he’d returned home. “Let me help you. I can get you an appointment with a therapist. We don’t have to go through the VA. Please. Just let me do this for you.”
He hung his head in his hands. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. You should dump my sorry ass, Lila.”
“Stop saying things like that. I’m yours. Always. I’ll always be yours, Jude. We just need to… we need to get through this together, okay? We need to work through this and find someone who can help you. You can’t keep living like this. Do you still have the headaches? The ringing in the ears?”
He shrugged and I took that as a yes.
“Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll make you something to eat, okay?”
“Stop treating me like a five-year-old.” But there was no bite in his words. Only weariness and a defeat in the slump of his shoulders that scared me. I lived in fear of the day I’d come home and not find him here. Two weeks ago a guy from his unit had taken his own life. What if Jude decided that it wasn’t worth it? What if he gave up the fight? Then where would I be without him?
Never in a million years could I ever have predicted that I’d have these thoughts about Jude.
He rose to his feet and I wrapped my arms around him, holding on tight, afraid to let go.
I shouldn’t have gone out