When the Bough Breaks (Rose Gardner Investigations #6) - Denise Grover Swank Page 0,66
ever willingly step into that. Even if I put aside the danger it would pose for the baby and me, I can’t be with a man who would join forces with hardcore killers. And that’s not even bringin’ up the way he betrayed Jed and me and tried to pay me twenty thousand dollars to abort my baby.” My anger was rising by the second. “So no, if he showed up, beggin’ me to come back, I’d say no.”
“But you still love him?” she asked softly.
I pushed out a breath, wishing my feelings weren’t so murky. “I think I’m in love with the fire we had, you know?” I turned to look at her and she nodded. Glancing back at the road, I said, “But that kind of passion never lasts. It peters out. And then you’re stuck with mountains of laundry and a sink full of dishes and a man who’s pissed because the baby won’t stop cryin’ and he needs to relax after… what? Making his drug deals with the cartel? So he’s pissed that he’s in this life he never wanted in the first place, and I’m resentin’ him for stickin’ me out at his house, probably under armed guard, and offerin’ me no help except for a house cleaner a couple of times a week,” I said with a huff. “Yeah, I’ve tried to imagine it. And even if I could get past the fact that he is, indisputably, a criminal, the thing I can’t get past is being a prisoner in his world. But even if I could get past all of that…” My voice broke. “He hurt me. He’s lied to me. He’s hidden things from me. He’s endangered my life. He refuses to explain why he does what he does or any significant part of his life. He acts like a child when he doesn’t get his way and has a vicious temper. Yeah, I see the good in him, but I needed that man to step up last fall. I needed the good side of James Malcolm to say, ‘Okay, this isn’t what we planned, but we’ll make it work.’ Instead, his option was to not discuss it with me at all, to dictate what I should do, with no regard to my feelings whatsoever.”
Suddenly, all the fight bled out of me. “And while I never would have agreed to the abortion, it should have been a discussion. Everything should have been a discussion. But he’s incapable of sharing 99% of what he’s thinking or feeling, and you can’t build a relationship on that.” Tears sprang to my eyes. “I deserve better than that.”
She reached over and put a hand on my arm. “Yeah, honey. You do.”
I inhaled deeply, then blew the breath out, squaring my shoulders. “I’m havin’ a baby, and it’s time for me to grow up and make wise, mature decisions, and not one part of pickin’ James Malcolm is wise or mature.”
She gently squeezed my arm, then put her hand in her lap. “But that still doesn’t answer the question of whether you love him.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “I think some part of me will always love him, just like some part of me will always love Mason, but at some point we have to decide to let go.” I gave a slight nod. “And I have to let him go. I have to open my heart to new possibilities, because I don’t want to spend my life alone. I want a good man to share my heart and my life. A true partner who’s willing to share his heart too. I need a man who will mow the grass and change diapers and call the plumber and pick up the kids from daycare. I need a man who will love and support me and not be there just for the passion but also for the sleepless nights when the baby is sick.” Tears flowed down my cheeks. “Joe is that man, Neely Kate. He’s all of those things and more.”
“But Skeeter’s still holdin’ you back.”
I swiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I think part of me thought I could get closure by seein’ him.”
“But you didn’t?”
“I did get some,” I said. “More of the shine’s fallin’ off.”
“But you’re still not ready to commit to Joe.”
“No.” And nothing made me sadder.
She was quiet for a moment. “Joe will be okay. His pride is hurt, just like yours would be if he was still hung