give the other the more powerful orgasm. He’d won—or she had—depending on how she looked at it. “This hooking-up-with-the-neighbor plan is going to be hell on my daily word count.”
Hill’s fingers glided along her scalp, combing lazily through her hair. “But think how many realistic sex scenes you can add to your book.”
She laughed. “I’m going to end up shelved in the erotica section at this rate.”
“Nothing wrong with that.”
She let her fingertips follow the trail of hair down to his navel, enjoying the way his belly dipped under her touch and how the sheets twitched where they were draped over his naked bottom half. She loved having this languid time after sex. She’d always known that she was missing out on some level by not having a sex life, but she’d focused on the actual physical act. She’d reasoned that she could give herself an orgasm, so she didn’t need a partner to provide that. But she hadn’t thought about the before times or the after times, those moments of intimacy that could bookend the sex. This felt luxurious.
“I love this,” she said, her thought slipping out. She winced, wishing she could call it back.
Hill kept playing with her hair. “What?”
She watched her fingers map his abdomen. “The full access to touch you,” she said, trying to find a way to explain herself. “It’s a big deal for someone to give another person permission to touch them. That can kind of get lost in the franticness of sex. But that kind of trust is a gift. Not one I give out easily, and I suspect not one you give away freely either. So, I’m…enjoying my season pass.”
He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. “I like you touching me.”
“Same.” She closed her eyes and took a fortifying breath, his reaction giving her a little boost of boldness. “Hill?”
“Yeah?” he said, a sleepy note in his voice.
Gathering her bravery, she pushed herself up onto her elbow to look down at him. His eyes were at half-mast in the lamplight. God, he was handsome. It wasn’t even fair. How was she supposed to maintain clear boundaries when he was so beautiful and sweet? “Can I be totally honest with you?”
His eyes opened fully, concern there. “Of course.”
She rubbed her lips together, nerves fluttering in her belly. “I’m starting to wonder why we’re going the friends route instead of trying to date for real.”
His forehead wrinkled. “Because we agreed we both weren’t in the right headspace to date someone right now.”
“Right, I know, but is there really a perfect headspace?” she asked. “Like, will there be an actual day when I’m like… Oh, I’m totes over that trauma and now I’m ready for my real life to start. Hurrah! I mean, what would that even look like or feel like?”
“Andi…”
“And what if in order to heal from the trauma, I have to take action instead of waiting?” She pulled the comforter up to wrap around her chest. She couldn’t have this conversation with her boobs out. “What if this could be something, and we’re not even giving ourselves a chance to find out? We’re like boxing it in instead of letting it have the freedom to explore.”
Hill frowned as he shifted to sit up and lean against the headboard. “Andi, you are taking action. This—what we’re doing—is action. And that urge you’re feeling to turn it into something more, it’s probably because it’s new and you feel safe with me.” Something flickered in his eyes, maybe sadness. “Because of what you went through, you skipped over those first-time experiences, so this is yours. First-time stuff feels intense and more monumental. It’s easy to get attached quickly.”
“Hill—”
“I’ve been there,” he said, quietly cutting her off. “It happened to me with Christina. She was the first serious relationship I had, and I made it into something it wasn’t. I’m proof that it doesn’t lead anywhere good.”
“That’s not what this is,” she said, but doubt was creeping in. “This isn’t because you’re first.”
He grabbed her hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing her knuckles. “I’m enjoying this time with you. I can’t even tell you how much. But I’m very aware of what this is. I know I’m just the practice guy.”
“The practice guy?”
“Yes. With me, you’re learning what you like, how to be comfortable with a guy, how to have fun in bed, how not to be scared. But you’re young and have put your love life on hold a long