“It’s kind of a lot of lying to process,” Elle says.
“Process,” I say. “I’ll be here after you do. If you can.”
“I want to,” Amy says quietly.
For the first time in what feels like an eternity, I exhale.
“It’s just … a lot,” Samira repeats.
Elle looks past the computer screen and removes her earbuds. Nods and puts her earbuds back in. “I have to run,” she says. “My brain has exploded, but I’m glad we talked.”
“Me too,” I say.
“Well. It was weird to meet you, Halle/Kels,” Amy says.
“Good weird?” I ask.
“I haven’t decided yet,” Amy says.
The line disconnects and it feels like we have a long way to go. But if something good came out of this whole mess, it’s the smallest possibility of weekly video chats with Amy, Elle, and Samira. It felt good, being myself with them.
I’m not sorry the truth is out, I’m only sorry how it came out.
I’m not sorry I’m Kels.
So I know what I have to do.
April 11
Halle (aka Kels) OneTruePastry 19min
HELLO, TWITTERVERSE. this is me (and scout!) #shelfiepic.we3dkfl8 (1/4)
|
Halle (aka Kels) OneTruePastry 17min
my name is halle levitt. my grandmother was miriam levitt, former editor-in-chief of empire children’s, & I’m a book blogger/cupcake enthusiast. I thought the pseudonym would let me grow OTP independent from that legacy—instead, it made a mess of my IRL relationships. (2/4)
|
Halle (aka Kels) OneTruePastry 13min
I get that this is weird. I’ll be on hiatus until June to focus on studying for AP tests & finals. Scheduled posts will still go up! school is A LOT right now … but my DMs are open for Qs. And I’ll see you at BookCon! (3/4)
|
Halle (aka Kels) OneTruePastry 11min
If Halle is too weird, you can still call me Kels! That’s cool! (4/4)
TWENTY-FIVE
I haven’t baked a single cupcake in a month, not one batch.
Every time I try to bake, I can’t. At work, I stay behind the register and out of the kitchen. At home, I screw up vanilla bean batter and throw it in the trash, bowl and all.
Yesterday, Nash tweeted he’s going to NYU.
Nash Stevens Nash_Stevens27 18hr
So thrilled to announce that I will be studying studio art NYU!! Can’t wait to learn from the best and up my content game for everyone!
[147 comments] [87] [2.2k ]
Nash is going to NYU. He told his parents and they’re letting him go. I’m so happy for him. But I hate that I don’t know what happened and that I wasn’t there for him. I know how hard that conversation must’ve been. I hate that I want to reach out to him so bad but I can’t.
We’re nothing. I have no right to ask.
Online life is otherwise surprisingly fine. It seemed like such a big deal—deciding not to split myself anymore, to tell the internet I’m Halle. To take ownership of my identity—and my mistakes—before BookCon.
In the end, no one really cared.
Kels, my persona, is something I built up in my head the whole time. The content is the same, and besides a few trolls, everyone has just accepted it. As Ollie predicted. They’re over the Nash-Kels drama now that we’re both back to posting regularly and haven’t said anything else.
The online world keeps turning, though, and buzz builds on Twitter re: all things BookCon. There are pre-con giveaways, raffles for tickets to exclusive events, and all the swag promotions. I tweet cupcake promises I might not be able to keep. With each new tag, my heart flutters with a combination of excitement and anxiety.
But the panel is called Bloggers IRL, right? I want to be honest, to be myself, at BookCon.
Plus, last night the BookCon gods released the full schedule for panels, ARC drops, signings, everything—and wow, planning the weekend is more of a process than I ever imagined. I spend most of my study period mulling over the schedule, writing the priority events in a notebook, and fitting the puzzle pieces of this weekend together. I’m planning to live tweet the weekend as much as possible from the One True Pastry account while I’m there and write recap posts when it’s over, so I have to think about what will be most exciting for my followers, too.
Nash sits two rows in front of me, and I watch him doing the same thing.
It’s the first time hope flutters in my stomach in weeks, but as soon as I see a panel called Are Pictures Literature? On the Modern Consumption of Graphic Novels, moderated by best-selling graphic novelist Michael Yoon—I know