you guys so much. everything is such a mess and i’m a mess and i’m so sorry i ghosted you. it wasn’t about you it was about the nash stuff and i have a lot to explain. too much for one text but i needed to start somewhere so hello. hi. i’m halle.
12:21 PM
I stare at my screen, waiting for a response, terrified of more silence.
But like always, they start typing immediately.
Elle Carter
It is very Not Okay, Halle/Kels.
12:24 PM
i want to talk, for real. i’ll explain everything.
12:25 PM
Amy Chen
nash told us the gist. you’ve known him since september???? you’ve been DATING???
12:27 PM
Samira Lee
You’ve seriously been in Connecticut this whole time? What else have you lied to us about?
12:27 PM
please just let me explain
12:30 PM
Elle Carter
We video chat on Fridays. I’m inviting you because there is no logical way you can explain this via text.
12:31 PM
Amy Chen
it’s going to be a tough enough sell via hangouts tbh!!!
12:31 PM
Samira Lee
If you ghost us again, I’m done.
12:32 PM
i’ll be there
12:33 PM
“So this is how we meet.”
Elle’s enunciation is exactly like how she texts, I swear. If we were texting right now, this would be capitalized. Her arms are crossed, her dark brown eyes looking directly into the camera, straight into mine. There’s no more filter between us. Her braids are tied in a topknot and she’s wearing a NaNoWriMo winner T-shirt from a few years ago.
“Hey,” I say, delivering an awkward wave. It’s the most social interaction I’ve had all week.
Amy pushes her thick black glasses up on the bridge of her nose. “This is so weird.”
Samira says, “What do we even call you? Kels? Halle?”
Her voice has a Southern accent I’m not expecting. It’s all so jarring—my friends, with faces. Not that I’m not looking at their faces every day. But those are pictures. Posed. Not faces with expressions with emotions. Not faces that scream, You owe us an explanation, so get talking.
“Kels is a pseudonym. My real name is Halle Levitt. I’m not an army brat and I didn’t move to Georgia in September. I moved to Middleton to live with my grandfather. My parents are actually kind of famous? Well, in the documentary world. So I guess they’re not that famous …” Shit, I am definitely rambling. “But you probably knew my grandma. Miriam Levitt? Anyways, I didn’t even know Nash lived here, not until I bumped into him at the library my first day here. And I was so freaked, I didn’t tell him … and then it eventually got to the point where I couldn’t tell him—and I really messed up.”
“You’ve been friends with Nash for years. You didn’t know where he lived?” Samira asks.
I shrug. “People from Connecticut usually say, ‘I’m from Connecticut.’ Like, there is literally nothing distinguishing about Connecticut. Trust me.”
Amy snorts. “Fair, I guess. But you were just … friends with him all year? While you were still texting him as Kels?”
“That’s really messed up,” Elle says.
“It didn’t feel that way at the time. Not at first. At first, it felt like I needed to protect Kels and Nash’s friendship, you know? I always move and leave, so I didn’t want anything to change for this one impermanent stay. I didn’t mean to fall for him.”
I feel my cheeks heat with the admission.
“What?” Elle asks.
“Kels,” Amy says.
“Halle,” Samira says.
I tell them everything. The fake love triangle. Winter formal. The movie. REX.
“But you knew he was in love with Kels, right?” Elle asks.
I shake my head. How many times have I shook my head at my phone when we talked? For the first time, my gestures are visible. “Not until he told me.”
“I’d say no one is that oblivious … but maybe you are?” Samira says.
“Nash has literally always loved you,” Amy says.
I cover my hands with my face and shake my head. “He was my best friend. I didn’t love him. Not like that. Not until I knew him.”
Amy dips a carrot in hummus. “I wish you’d talked to us.”
“We could’ve shut this shit down so fast,” Elle says.
“I think that’s why I didn’t tell you. Seriously, I’m so sorry. For being distant. You’ve always been there for me—I hate that I made you feel like I didn’t care about our friendship. I just got in so deep … I didn’t know how to get out and even when I wanted to, I was sure you’d never forgive me. And I know you still might not. But I love you guys.”