something else entirely. For a start, there were seven football pitches, one with stands for spectators and one, AstroTurf, under cover of a giant tent. The building was painted white over three floors with a pillared portico; it reminded him of the country club in Connecticut he'd seen in an American comedy film. However, the security man on the gate seemed to recognise him and nodded him through with a smile.
Inside the main building, on the first floor, was a canteen, where some of the first-team squad were eating a late breakfast. Spike had met a couple of them at the ground when he posed on the pitch after signing his papers and they nodded in his direction. One was eating toast with some sort of chocolate spread smeared on it, the other was spooning in cereal.
Spike took a tray and pushed it along in front of the servery. He took a cup of tea. He had already eaten eggs and rye bread in the hotel in Chelsea where he was staying till they'd found him a flat, and they were lying heavy on his stomach.
'Fancy a smoothie, love?' said the woman behind the counter.
'What?'
She picked up a bottle and showed him.
He shook his head and moved off. "'Fancy a smoothie, love?"' What did it all mean? The way these people spoke was not in the books; he was already aware of that, and had taken steps to understand them. Using the computer in the 'office suite' at his hotel, Spike had found a website called interbabel.com that linked into numerous thesauruses and colloquial translation engines. Interbabel.com certainly had the dope. It had so many possibilities, in fact, that he was spoilt for choice, over-informed. This didn't stop him pursuing all the links and meanings, all the definitions and re-translations: he'd graduated in politics and economics before taking up football professionally; he owed his degree to his willingness to study thoroughly, and he carried the habit through to all parts of life. 'Stubborn' ('przymiotnik') or 'dogged' ('uparty') were words the press in his own country applied to him.
After breakfast, Spike went down the corridor, past numerous carpeted offices with shimmering flat-screen computers, including the private lair of the Turkish manager, Mehmet Kundak, to the team room. In sweatshirts and shorts, sipping glucose drinks, the first team lolled on rows of padded luxury-leather recliners. Kundak came in from a side door and told Archie Lawler, the coach, to start the video, which showed film of the last time they had played that evening's opponents. Occasionally, Lawler would pause it and point out the shape of the opposing midfield, the triangles they played.
After about five minutes, Spike began to panic. Although the score had apparently been 1-1, his team had never won the ball. Had he joined them on false pretences? Were they really that inept? Wave after wave of opposition attacks came crashing down on them, but as they watched it the players looked unembarrassed and Lawler much less alarmed than he needed to be.
'Why we never have the ball?' Spike asked an African sitting next to him.
'We know how we play,' he said. 'The film just shows their moves. It's cut.'
Spike laughed. 'Is big relief.'
The African ignored him. After some brutal exhortation from Lawler about the evening game, Spike followed the other players downstairs through a huge carpeted vestibule and into a corridor from which led numerous treatment and changing rooms. He got ready, took one of the club tracksuits, size XL, crossed himself and trotted out on to the pitches.
The first-team squad numbered thirty-eight, but without the nine on loan and the chronically injured there were twenty-five at the training ground. Seven reserves went off to train with the youth teams, leaving the eighteen-man squad, including Spike, for the evening league game. They gathered by the side of one of the pitches and bent themselves into postures like figures in a mediaeval depiction of hell. They locked hands round their ankles; they pulled one foot up into the buttocks until they could bear it no longer; they reached for the sky and laid their hands flat on the ground while standing. Spike joined in, though not wholeheartedly. After forty minutes, when every muscle fibre had been tweaked, expanded, rested and stretched again, they were thought ready for some action.
'We're going to be working on set pieces,' said Archie Lawler. 'Spike, get on the far post.'
For half an hour, Spike found himself doing things he hadn't done since the youth