correct. “And I highly recommend you watch. It might change your position on a lot of things regarding the so-called fun zone.”
“Eww!” Evie screams. “Do not talk to me about female anatomy, Dad. Quick, Uncle Noah, shove a waffle in his face and distract him. And don’t worry, Dad. Your threats regarding the Winter Formal were received. I won’t be having any fun that night or any other night of my life thanks to you.” She stomps to her room and slams the door shut.
Carlotta ticks her head. “Parenting is fun. Too much fun for me, and that’s exactly why I passed that fun time to your mama, Lot Lot. Now turn on the tube and let the baby games begin. I’m betting Foxy passes out first.”
Noah shakes his head. “I delivered Keelie’s child last summer, Carlotta. If anyone is going to need smelling salts, it’s the angry judge.”
“I’m not angry,” Everett’s tone is curt as he wraps an arm around my shoulders. “I’m doing my best to keep Evie safe. I thought watching this might deter her from inviting guests into her body.”
I grimace at that one. “All right, let’s shift our focus.” I pull Pancake onto my blooming belly, and Carlotta takes up his fluffy counterpart, Waffles.
Noah cues it up, and soon we’re watching a woman having a home birth in a blow up swimming pool set in her living room, surrounded by sixteen of her closest friends, and about half a dozen kids of every size running wild around her. At one point, two of the kids hop into the pool with her, right along with the family dog.
“Now that’s a party.” Carlotta squints at the screen. “What the heck is that?”
A sing-songy wail escapes from me.
Noah shifts in his seat. “I think they’re getting down to business.”
“Look at her scream, Lot!” Carlotta shouts the words out.
She’s not kidding. The woman really does have a set of lungs on her.
Everett stiffens next to me, and the woman on the television howls as if her hair was just set on fire.
A deep moaning sound comes from Carlotta. “This is the part where I blacked out, Lot. And when I woke up, there you were—crying and screaming and demanding to be fed.”
Everett dips his mouth to my ear. “It’s a wonder you’re alive, Lemon.”
“You’re not kidding.”
Soon enough, a baby is ejected from the woman on the screen, and the cast of thousands gathered around her goes wild.
“I don’t know.” Noah grimaces at the sight. “They’re keeping that baby under water an awful long time.”
“Keeps ’em quiet,” Carlotta quips.
“All right,” I say. “Try another one, Noah. That wasn’t bad, if you’re into torture flicks.”
“Don’t worry, Lot.” Noah gets right to turning it to another cinematic delight. “I won’t leave your side on the big day.”
Everett dots a kiss to my cheek. “And that will be the extent of your torture. Have you thought about whether or not you’re going to ask for something to take the edge off?”
“I haven’t thought about it,” I say. “Come to think of it, blacking out sounds pretty peaceful.”
Noah starts up another one, and I moan and groan right along with the poor woman being tormented. This time it’s a hospital setting, so I’m particularly interested in what happens.
I press Pancake to my face and peer out from around his fur. Soon, the woman’s hospital gown is off and her husband’s hands are headed to second base.
“What’s happening?” Noah leans in.
Carlotta angles to get a better look at it. “He’s tweaking her knockers to get things moving.”
“This is porn!” I stuff my face into Pancake’s belly.
Everett lets out a breath. “Believe me, Lemon, I derive zero pleasure from this.”
“That’s exactly what I’ll be saying come D-Day,” I mutter.
There’s blood splattering everywhere, body parts I can’t identify are thrust in my face, and there is more screaming. My God up in heaven, there is screaming—from both the husband and the wife.
Everett takes a couple of deep breaths.
“You okay, Sexy?” Carlotta quickly hands him a bottle of water from the coffee table.
“I’m fine.” Everett takes the bottle and downs half of it in less than three gulps.
“You’re white as a sheet,” Noah muses. “What did I tell you, Lot? There will be smelling salts the day you deliver.”
“Yeah”—I huff—“for me.”
We call it a night, and Noah gives me a firm embrace at the door.
“I wish I could do this for you, Lottie.” He lands a kiss to my temple.
Carlotta shakes her head. “There’s a reason Mother Nature