Junu shrugged. “Leaving something behind means you don’t have to talk or think about it again.”
Somin shook her head. “You should be able to talk about things. If you can’t, then doesn’t that mean the memories are still hurting you?”
“What do you want from me?” Junu’s voice rose. Somin flinched; she’d never seen Junu lose his temper, he was always so poised, so controlled. “Do you want me to bare my soul to you? To fix all the broken pieces of my heart so I can realize I just want to be a normal boy who can fall in love with a normal girl?” He shook his head. “If that’s what you want, then you’re wasting your time.”
“What? No, I don’t want . . . I mean, I don’t know what I want.” Somin remembered what Miyoung had said once. What’s the point of worrying who we’ll be in a year? Right now, he is what’s right for me. Could she say that Junu was right for her now? Or were they fooling themselves to think they could make anything of this . . . whatever this was. “What do you want?”
Junu’s brows drew together, as if the question stumped him.
“What? No smart reply?” She couldn’t help herself; the sarcasm was like a defense mechanism that spilled out of her. Because the truth was, she was scared. Scared that after a day of realizing how much she wanted to be around Junu, she’d inadvertently pushed him away.
“I know I like being with you.” The words could have calmed her nerves if not for the silent “but” hanging at the end of the sentence.
“And?” she asked despite her trepidation.
“And I also know that you ask a lot of me just by being who you are. I’ve always lived exactly how I pleased. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never change myself to be what another wanted. But being around you makes me need to be different. I can’t tell if it’s what I want or what I think you want.”
“I told you I don’t know what I want,” Somin whispered. She felt like she was losing hold of something here, like sand sifting through her fingers.
“But that’s a lie,” Junu said, running his hands up her arms. His smile was almost sad, like he was already saying goodbye.
It made Somin feel edgy. “I can’t stop myself from wanting to help you. It’s what happens when I care about someone.”
That stopped Junu, his face pinched.
“Is it really that bad?” she asked. “To have someone care about you?”
“Yes,” Junu breathed, and Somin closed her eyes, embarrassed at the easy rejection.
She tried to pull away, but his hands tightened.
“It’s bad because I don’t deserve it,” Junu continued. “I don’t deserve you. Why do you always insist on giving everything of yourself to people?”
“As opposed to you?” Somin asked. “Who gives nothing and tries to convince himself he can live alone because he’s scared to let go of any part of himself?”
“I’m not scared. I just know who and what I am,” Junu said. “I should never have started this. I’ll only ruin you like I ruin everything I touch.”
“What?” Fire rose up in her now, anger fed by this drawn-out game of hot and cold Junu was playing. She jerked away. “Ruin me?” she said. “Like I am just this innocent little flower that you’re going to crush in your dangerous dokkaebi hand?”
Junu stared at her, his mouth agape. “No,” he stammered. “I just meant—”
“I don’t need to hear what you think you meant. You spent so long teasing me, pursuing me. And now that I’m here, now that I care, you’re trying to pull away because you think you know what’s best for me? I can make my own choices. I’m not a weak, delicate thing that needs your protection.”
Junu shook his head. “I’ve never thought that.”
“Well, you could have fooled me. You know, for someone who insists we leave the past behind us, you’re still stuck there.”
“You’re one to talk,” Junu said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Somin asked.
“What’s today?”
Somin couldn’t answer. No, Somin didn’t want to answer.
“Come on, I’m not completely oblivious. You were upset this morning. And you said Jihoon forgot today. Which means it’s important. You say I’m stuck in the past, but today seems to have some kind of past significance for you.”
“It’s my abeoji’s birthday,” Somin murmured.
“Ah,” Junu said, drawing out the syllable. “And because he was good to you, you