Vicious Circles - By Leann Andrews Page 0,69

homemade ice cream on our front porch. Those things were misplaced in all my hate for you, Mom. I’m letting the hate go today.

RIP,

Your daughter…

***

London,

We were best friends, you know? I didn’t know what to do when you died. I won’t ever forget the way you looked at me that day. For so long I saw it every time I closed my eyes. I knew you were out of control. I knew that things were very, very fucked up and I didn’t do anything. I pretended it was fine. Even now I have a very hard time thinking of your face the day you lost your battle to drugs.

They say everyone has a rock bottom and I know what mine was. I looked in the mirror the day Mason found me half dead on the floor of that house and saw you. My reflection was yours.

I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without you. I’m still grieving for you and that may never stop.

I love you.

***

I stood and walked to the front of the room. I hadn’t been in front of such a large group of people in a long time, but I felt ready. I scanned the crowd and recognized the usual faces: Lynn and Chris. They’d both been such a support system for me. I would thank them the best way I knew how. I’d stay clean and move on with my life.

When I reached the front of the room, I stopped and cleared my throat.

“So, I’m breakin’ out of this joint tomorrow.”

There was a slight chuckle throughout the small room.

“My name is Fallyn Michaels and I’m an addict. I’ve spent countless hours sabotaging my life even though I had what most people wanted.” I paused as Mason’s face entered my mind. “I’ll never stop thinking about taking the easy way out. There will always be temptations and this fight…well, I’m fighting it for life but there’s something different about me now.”

Lynn and I locked eyes. She was doing her best not to cry.

“I know who I am and I like the person I found hiding inside. I’m caring and intelligent. I’m a really good actress and I make damn good sugar cookies.”

I looked down at my hands as they trembled. My lip followed and I cried. “I slept in homeless shelters and against dumpsters in Hollywood. I hopped from house to house and let myself slip away. Then…I met someone, and he was so good to me. He turned my life upside down and damn if he didn’t try to fix what was broken. I broke him in the process.”

I wiped the tears from my cheeks and stood a little straighter.

“Tomorrow is going to be a better day and I’m ready to get back to life.”

***

Dear Mason,

Tomorrow I leave rehab for good. It’s been three long months and I’m ready to learn to live all over again. I can’t say that I don’t miss you still, but as long as you’re out there somewhere happy, I will be OK. No one had ever loved me the way you loved me and for that I thank you.

Everyone said, you weren’t that type…that you couldn’t fall in love, but you did and it was with me. With me, the broken girl from Pensacola with no home and no hope.

We may cross paths one day and I’m ready for that. I’m also getting used to the idea of never seeing you again. Either way, you were in my life when it counted and I’m alive today because of you. I forgive you for leaving and maybe one day you’ll forgive me for everything that happened between us.

I know you’ll never see any of these letters but just knowing that they exist makes me smile.

These random pieces of paper know exactly how I feel about you. They’ve been along this journey with me.

So, be happy. That’s what is important, after all.

I will always love you,

Fallyn

Chapter 23

It took all of my strength to live in that damned house. Of course, day after day it started to feel like home until I opened the closet and pulled out the painting of the crying girl. She represented who I was and who I never wanted to be again, so I hung her over my bed.

June 2010

The early morning sun beat down on my bare arms and legs. I stretched my limbs before falling into the closest chaise lounge. It was my first day off in weeks and I couldn’t wait to do absolutely