Vicious Circles - By Leann Andrews Page 0,68
Even if he never wants to see me again, I can live the rest of my life the right way because he gave me the chance.”
As usual, I began to cry. I sunk back to the chair next to Lynn and covered my face with both hands as I wept. I could feel her arm wrap lightly around my shoulders as she pulled me to her. No matter who, what or when, I always ended up crying over the loss of Mason Jennings.
“Just get better OK? We’ll worry about the mundane shit when you’re home. I’m here for you.”
I wiped my eyes and whimpered slightly. “I know. It’s just so hard. This is all so hard.”
“Some of it will get easier.”
I nodded and gave Lynn a hug goodbye.
***
Dear Mason,
The moon was full last night and as much as I wanted to ignore the thought of you, I couldn’t. The pain in my chest was the same but I didn’t have the urge to run away from it like I did before. Maybe I’m getting better. Everyone says I look amazing and some days I feel amazing but it’s so hard to believe them. There is no way I deserved a second chance after what I put you and everyone else through, but I got one anyway. I’m still here.
I weighed myself this morning and I’ve gained ten pounds. Lynn bought me some new clothes and hung them in my closet at the house so they would be there when I got home. Chris brought me an ID bracelet with my name engraved on the top side. I think I’ll have my release date engraved on the underside.
Fallyn
***
Mason,
Today was the worst so far. I survived the withdrawal and the constant inner struggle, but those things are nothing compared to the knot in my stomach when I signed onto the internet for the first time in two and a half months. I saw your name and I clicked the link without thinking the decision through the whole way. I’d never seen the picture before. We looked tired and I looked sick. You looked sick. It opened my eyes.
Love,
Fallyn
***
“How are you feeling today?” my Doctor questioned me as I sat in his overstuffed arm chair.
“I am really good today.” I smiled, despite myself. It felt foreign to me still; to smile and actually have my feelings on the inside match.
“No more night terrors?” He scrawled noisily on my chart after every answer.
I drew my bare feet up under me. “I haven’t had one in three weeks. Can I ask you a question, Dr. Long?”
He shifted behind his desk before dropping his very expensive pen back into his pocket. “Of course, Fallyn.”
“I feel different today…I…I don’t know how to explain it but I feel lighter somehow.” I stood and paced a little. “You see, I’ve never felt so unrestrained before and it’s truly frightening.”
The Doctor stood and strode around to meet me. He placed a calm hand on my shoulder and smiled. “Fallyn, you have a remarkable mind. You, my dear will be just fine and in my line of work…I’m thrilled to say that I’ll probably never see you again.”
I laughed. “That’s a damn good compliment.”
“That should be enough for today then,” he said returning to his seat at the desk.
I waved and left his office with a slight bounce in my step. My meetings were becoming easier and easier. I said whatever was on my mind and I didn’t ever feel the need to censor myself. I’d beaten the night terrors which rode my shoulder like a demon all fucking day long. I lived knowing that they could come back at any time but, if they did, I would be ready for them.
***
Mom,
I didn’t get to say goodbye. I lost you as a mother so long ago and then I lost myself. It doesn’t really feel like you’re gone because I’d given up on you loving me. Do you know I walked the same path as you and London? The drugs pulled me down until I wasn’t even a person anymore. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll always blame you for that deep down. I’ll always blame you for taking my sister from me except I can live with that now.
You were good to me once and that is how I think about you now. You pushed me on the swing in the park near our house at least once a week. You made the best