Vicious Circles - By Leann Andrews Page 0,66

up my hand to stop Lynn from moving any closer to me. I stood and started to pace the carpeted floor. “I think I should go.”

“Go ahead. I’ll call you when she can have visitors. You probably want a shower.” She wasn’t stupid. I could see in her eyes; she knew very well that I was running and she was going to let me do it.

I turned from her and left the hospital as quickly as I could. If it weren’t for the state of my appearance I would have walked, but instead I hailed a cab. Home sounded like a place I wanted to be, but home wasn’t Fallyn’s apartment anymore. The driver dropped me off and I felt out of place as I climbed the familiar steps.

The whole place smelled like her. It hit me hard when I swung the door open and stepped in. Her favorite painting hung on the wall where I’d put it myself. The purple post it that declared my love for her was still stuck to the frame. Pictures of us were littering the bookshelf and I didn’t pay much attention to them until then. We looked happy.

It only took half an hour to gather all my things from the apartment but it took me at least half an hour to actually leave. I didn’t want to remove myself from her life. It only seemed fair after all I’d put her through. She would be hurt and confused but eventually she would heal and move on. Lynn would take good care of her.

On my way out of the front door I grabbed a piece of paper and pen from the small table by the front door. I penned her one more note and left.

***

“You just left, man? Really?” My best friend and bandmate, Dave, sat across from me at an all-night diner somewhere in the southern states.

I nodded and gulped the rest of my coffee down. “It was the best I could do.”

Dave frowned and shook his head. “I don’t believe that shit for a second, Mason. You love that girl and I fucking know it, so don’t try to bullshit me.”

“I never said I didn’t love her. I’m saying I let this happen. She became a coke addict right under my fucking nose.” I signaled the waitress for another cup of black coffee.

“So you run away and pick up the tour where you left off? You are ten kinds of asshole.”

I pressed my lips together in frustration. He was always right. He knew me the best after all. “It’s done; let’s just drop it.”

Dave threw his hands up in surrender. “Fine, but I’m telling you this…when we get back to town, I’m going to see her.” He tossed a ten on the table for his late dinner. “You can’t say shit about that.”

He was right. I couldn’t make any of them stay away from her but the fact remained that I would stick to my guns. I would keep away because I loved her enough to let her have a chance at a decent life without me.

Chapter 22

My healing began sometime toward the end of March in the year 2010. I woke to a life I didn’t recognize, which wasn’t all that shocking since I had done everything possible to sabotage my own happiness. Of course, I learned that much later…much, much later. I still have the note Mason wrote me that day. He told me I couldn’t find myself with him in the way.

Mid April 2010

Dear Mason,

I don’t blame you for leaving. At least I don’t blame you right this minute. My mind changes every hour or so, but I haven’t learned when to trust myself. A part of me always knew that I would lose you and I still took the chance. Maybe I don’t love you as much as I thought. No, that’s a lie. I still love you as much today as I did then.

Lynn was there when I woke up for the first time. I’d really done a fucking number on myself. I shot myself up with heroin. Did you know that? I’m not sure if you’d heard from someone. It’s been all over the gossip magazines. They finally dug up the truth about me and my family. Lynn says that I’ll rise above it and be a much better person for it. She comes to see me now that I can have visitors.

I think about being high all the time. I think about drowning my sorrows