I’m not so sure it’s a bad thing that I got to see love for what it is—a dangerous gamble, high on distraction and low on reward.
There’s no risk in dating Hayden. He’s kind and I know I can confide in him, and I like that he needs to lean on me right now. But I know I don’t love him. I don’t think I could. I’m not sure I’m capable of it . . . at all. I like him a whole lot, and he likes me. But love? No. The only danger I’ve found in being with Hayden is one that I’ve only recently realized. And I don’t understand why it’s happening.
“Tory.” My mom says his name and it shakes me from my thoughts, bringing me back to the conversation unfolding between Hayden and my mom.
“Right, that’s your brother’s name,” my mom says, snapping her fingers as if Hayden just filled in a gap in her memory. My mom is playing along now for my benefit, which means she picked up my silent plea. She doesn’t forget anything. It’s half the reason we’ve been able to fight my dad’s legal team so well. My mom has a photographic memory, and she’s a touch of a hoarder, saving every remotely important piece of paper on the planet to back up those memories. There’s no way Tory’s name slipped her mind.
“You know, it’s amazing how damned near identical you and your brother are,” my mom says. I kind of wish she would drop the comparison conversation because lately it feels as if Tory and Hayden are doing plenty of it on their own. And I’d rather quit thinking about one of them.
“The only difference is I’m a little better looking,” Hayden responds, his joke getting a short chuckle from my mom.
The slightest hint of a smile remains on her lips long after Hayden turns his attention back to me. I find myself caught in the look on her face, trying to decipher it while Hayden is talking.
“Earth to Abby,” he says, waving a hand in front of me and cupping my shoulder. I jerk and reengage with the world.
“Sorry, you were saying something about Saturday night.”
He laughs at my pathetic summary.
“Umm, yeah. That’s your birthday. I was talking about taking you out. To celebrate?”
My mom has suddenly given us space, disappearing into the mudroom in the back of the house, folding things I’m sure are already folded and staying just close enough to the door that she can hear every word we say.
“I’m simple. We can just go to dinner or something.” Truthfully, after the day I’ve had, my birthday feels completely insignificant. I looked forward to the independence of being eighteen, but it’s looking more and more as though my dad will be an unwelcome business partner until I’m successful enough to pay for lawyers who can fire him.
“Okay, well, it might be a little better than simple, but I promise you’ll enjoy it,” he says, pulling me into arms that have been nothing but safe and a home for my restless mind. This time, though, his embrace does nothing to stop my racing thoughts.
“Hey, is that Tory’s?”
My stomach drops at his question, my mouth watering in reaction to the dose of adrenaline injected into my veins. That fucking sweatshirt! He left it here like a Trojan horse and it will put me right smack in the center of whatever bullshit pissing contest is happening between him and his brother.
“Oh, yeah. I’m not sure why I have it, but—”
“I’ll take it to him,” Hayden says, grabbing it forcefully before I can come up with a lie as to why it’s here.
“Great.”
I’m too weak to elaborate. Too scared to invite more conflict. Too afraid to lose this other version of myself that I get to be with Hayden. And that’s what this is all about. It sinks in suddenly. With Hayden, I’m the girl who can have a steady relationship and a person to call, and I’m the person who solves someone else’s problems. My problems are in the background, easier to ignore tucked neatly in the shadow of something normal—like just being a high school senior planning to celebrate her birthday with her boyfriend.
Hayden leaves for practice with the token left behind by his brother in hand, such a trivial piece of clothing to spawn such an intense shift in my world. One more hug from arms that feel a little colder than before and leave me feeling nothing,