was treating you. Your seizures, the aftermath—you only truly tolerate Gideon’s or Daegan’s hands upon you. No matter how gentle I tried to be, you’d become so violent at my touch we had to abandon that in favor of getting you restrained as quickly as possible.”
“The problem isn’t what he’ll do for me. It’s what he’ll give himself.”
Brian nodded. “That’s my hypothesis as well. Though I’ll leave the testing to you.” Giving her a sedate wink, he made another note on his laptop. “Given the fact you already knew all this, why does tonight disturb you so much?”
“I hope that’s a clinical question, because I would think that’s obvious,” she responded dryly. “Yes, he’s been everything I need right now. But he’s my third-marked servant. I can read everything in his mind, down to his soul. Gideon never wanted to be any vampire’s servant. There’s far too much water under that bridge. How many vampires has he killed? How much carnage has he seen of those who take their full quota or exceed it? Or even one innocent, annual kill he was too late to save? I think he loves me,” she admitted, aware of Brian lifting his brows. “Or rather, he loves Anwyn, the residual human woman that lies within this new form. But he can’t accept the rest.”
“Do you think he has a choice?”
“As long as I say he does.” She gave a tight smile. “That’s the vampire talking, right? I may give up every other aspect of my humanity, but that was the core of who I was, Brian. Everything I did in those rooms as a Mistress, I knew was consensual. It was what the man who submitted to my touch wanted, even if he couldn’t bring himself to say it. I knew that with Gideon, too, the night he came to me. Now I truly have full access to his mind, and I don’t have to be guided by instinct alone; I can’t fool myself about what he is or isn’t. If I give him that ultimatum, and I will, he’ll walk.” A tight smile crossed her face. “No matter what rules you or Daegan ‘spouts’ about allowing a servant to walk away, I’ll let him. And have to hope he’ll come back.”
“Hmm.” Lord Brian sat back, crossed his legs. He pushed the laptop aside, instead picking up a steno pad to jot some handwritten notes. Anwyn had noticed that Debra kept a healthy stack of them, because the scientist’s mind was constantly figuring some random problem, the way someone else might do crossword puzzles as they multitasked. He seemed to prefer an organic connection with paper and pencil.
“Did you know one of the most difficult variables in scientific inquiry is subjectivity?” he asked, sketching something out that looked like a chemical formula. “Many scientists consider it a plague they go out of their way to avoid, such that they actually incorporate it unconsciously. For instance, the fear of anthropomorphizing animal behavior out of sentiment means we often dismiss out of hand the ways species are obviously similar to us in how they feel pain, express emotions and needs, leading to horrific cruelty. When they do things like that, scientists ignore a basic truth. That all life is connected, and there are similar motivations between many species. Including vampires and humans.
“Your fear of becoming something that takes choices away from him can cloud your judgment. Yes, he wants nothing to do with our world. No, he may not be suitable servant material. But that’s only one side of the scale. If his love for you exceeds his aversion of our world, if his ability to accept our world is greater than his ability to give you up, then that changes things for him. I was there in that room tonight. I know you felt what the Council required was horrible. But I also saw a chance for a knight to prove his worthiness to his chosen lady . . . and lord”—his gaze flicked up, quick and intense—“and as such, he embraced it, lost himself in it. That’s the sign of a true servant, some of the best ones I’ve met. Including his brother.”
Anwyn had felt it, seen it, as well, but he was right. She was so afraid of what she was becoming, she couldn’t fully accept it as truth. But hearing it from Brian, she knew he was right.
“If he did love you enough to truly become your full servant, despite what you