Upside Down (Breaking the Rules #3) - A.M. Madden Page 0,34
tonight? What do you have to lose? It’s like he’s speaking to you.”
“Fine.” The sooner I tuned in to this quack, the sooner she would stop bugging me about it.
“Yay! He’s on channel forty. Love you.”
“Love you too.” It was ironic how easily those words came out now that we were apart, and it had nothing to do with the alcohol I’d consumed. It was because Riana was no longer a reminder of my failures. The pressure of forever had been suppressed, and my love for her as a friend could take on its true form.
“Go! I’ll be listening.”
“Woo-hoo.” Reluctantly, I ended her call, downloaded the app, found his specific station, and tuned in.
“It doesn’t necessarily need to be a black-and-white situation,” the man I assumed was Dr. Lair said over the air. “I believe society is consumed with labeling what more times than not simply can’t be labeled.”
“That makes my situation even more pathetic,” another man responded.
“In what way?”
“I agree society’s quick to label, but without them, a person can feel lost and alone. Being told I’m gay is easier to digest than believing I’m too weird to label.”
“That’s quite a simplification,” Dr. Lair argued before supplying a logical explanation to contradict the man’s claim. I had no idea who this person was, but there was something comforting about hiding behind his confession to the masses. And yet, when the anonymous voice failed to ask the questions that ran rampant in my mind, I blamed curiosity, frustration, and bourbon for tapping the 800 number on my screen.
“Live with Dr. Lair,” a woman said. “Your alias?”
“Um… Confused in Jersey,” came out before I thought better of it.
“Please hold.”
What the fuck was I doing?
This was dumb. Fucking dumb. What was I supposed to say? I kissed a guy and liked it. It’s all I can think of, and now I have no idea how to proceed with my sex life.
“You’re on with Vaughn,” his deep voice said before I had the chance to chicken out. “How can I get you off?” My unintelligible fumble forced him to add, “Confused in Jersey… don’t be shy. Talk to me.”
Panic set in when I blurted out, “I kissed a guy and liked it.” Instantly, the war of feelings that plagued me took hold at the memory. “It’s all I can think of, and now I have no idea how to proceed with my sex life.” And then I smacked my forehead, because I needed a good smack.
“Let’s start with some background. Was that the first time you kissed a man?”
“No.”
“So you’ve had a relationship with a man before?”
“No.”
“Was the man you kissed a stranger?”
“No.”
“So he’s a friend?”
“Not really.”
“Okay.” His frustration was clear in that one word. I was probably the kind of caller he dreaded. “Let me ask you this… what is it about him that intrigued you to kiss him?”
“I was drunk.”
“That may account for the impulsive decision to kiss him, but you obviously sobered up eventually and claim you are still thinking about that kiss. Let’s focus on that.”
My pathetic response to that tidbit was, “I’m not gay.”
Dr. Lair chuckled before saying, “I didn’t ask you if you were, but since tonight we are talking about society’s role in labeling sexuality, are you more comfortable to identify as a bisexual?”
“No. I’m not attracted to men. I’ve been hit on many times in my adult life by the same sex, and not once had I felt any kind of attraction.”
“But you said you kissed a man before?”
“Experimenting in college. It didn’t do it for me.”
“Have you been in love with a woman?”
I hesitated, knowing Ree was listening. “I loved my most recent girlfriend a lot. I just couldn’t love her in a forever kind of way.” Sure enough, a text notification from Riana flashed at the top of my screen with an emoji heart.
“Perhaps you don’t see gender when you begin to connect to another person, and what attracts you is their kindness, their personality traits. Some identify that as being pansexual. It could very well be that this man calls to you on a deeper level.”
“I don’t think so.” I felt detached from his conclusions. None of what he said hit home, and I couldn’t relate to any of it.
“And why’s that?” he prodded.
“Because this guy is a prick.”
Chapter Twelve
Ricky
I made my way toward the Puglias’ with the memory of what I’d heard last night still haunting me.
It wasn’t uncommon for me to tune in to Dr. Lair whenever I was in