didn’t want to be led away from their snack. All while tripping over squirrels and being dive-bombed by birds.
I had no idea what was happening.
“Shit.” I started to open my door.
“Wait.” Fiona put a hand on my chest. “What’s going on out there?”
“Fuck if I know.”
Levi ran up to the truck and I rolled down my window.
“What the hell did they do?” I asked.
“It’s like the birdseed prank we pulled last year, only they went nuclear with it. Whatever they put in that hay is goat crack. We can’t get the stupid goats away.”
“Where’s the birdseed?”
“On the goats. They smeared their backs with peanut butter and put birdseed on them. Then turned them loose.”
Fiona gaped at the scene, her mouth open, eyes wide. “When you said pranks, I thought… I don’t know what I thought, but it wasn’t this.”
Levi glanced at Fiona, then raised his eyebrows at me.
“This is Fiona,” I said. “Fiona, my brother, Levi.”
Smiling, she waved at him. “Hi. Oh, you must be the other twin. I met Logan already.”
“So what’s the plan?” I asked.
“Fuck if I know,” Levi said. “Round up the goats and dump them in Josiah Haven’s living room?”
“Where’d they come from?”
“They’re Harry Montgomery’s.”
“Really?” I asked. “Does he know the Havens took his goats?”
“Yeah, but he’s pretending to be pissed at us about it.”
I shook my head. “Asshole.”
“I’m so confused,” Fiona said.
“The Montgomerys are another old Tilikum family,” I said. “They act like they’re Switzerland or something, but it’s bullshit. They’ve helped both sides, they just won’t admit it.”
“Harry probably accidentally left his gate unlocked,” Levi said, making air quotes.
“Maybe the Havens and Baileys should team up and prank the Montgomerys,” Fiona said.
“Yeah right,” I said. “Okay, we need to deal with these fucking goats. I’ll back up to the hay bales and we’ll see if we can herd them into the bed of the truck. Harry’s place isn’t far. I can just drive them over there.”
Asher pulled up in Grandad’s old truck, so we debriefed him, then each backed up at an angle to help pen the goats in. They happily munched hay, oblivious to the birds and squirrels coming after all the birdseed.
I got out and we moved a couple of hay bales behind the trucks to act as steps and scattered loose hay in the beds. I grabbed a handful and tried to coax the closest goat into following me. It looked past me with those creepy goat eyes, its jaw working a mouthful of hay.
“How the hell do you get them to move?” I asked.
“Come here, good boy. That’s it. Come on.” Fiona slowly walked backward, holding out a bundle of hay. A goat followed. “Up, up. That’s it. Get up there.”
I watched in awe as she convinced the goat to climb on the hay bale and into the back of my truck. The goat I’d been trying to move stood still, like its feet were cemented in place.
A squirrel ran past and a bird swooped so close to my face, I felt a brush of air from its wings. “Damn it.”
Fiona was on her second goat. Asher was trying to herd another one onto Grandad’s truck, but having about as much luck as I was.
Levi managed to coax one into my truck before a squirrel ran up his leg, clinging to his jeans with tiny claws.
“Jesus,” he shouted, kicking the squirrel off.
“How much you want to bet they’re recording this,” Asher said.
“Undoubtedly,” Levi said. “Assholes.”
Another goat followed Fiona like she was the fucking goat pied piper.
“How is she doing that?” Levi asked.
I just shook my head. “No idea.”
The goats in the truck started licking the peanut butter off each other. In the time it took me to get one stupid goat loaded up, Fiona got four more. She gave them compliments in that sweet, cheerful voice, telling them how good they were.
I was surprised she hadn’t named them already.
Finally, we got all the goats loaded in the two trucks. Hank and a few other guys were busy moving the hay bales, so Fiona and I left with a truckload of bleating goats. Asher followed me out to Harry Montgomery’s place and thankfully we had an easier time unloading our cargo. A bunch of the birds followed, but the goats clearly didn’t give a shit. They wandered around, finding new things to chew on and licking each other, while the birds darted in and picked off the last of the birdseed.
“There goes my fucking morning,” I said when I got back