I’ll…” His voice trailed off. He took a deep breath and pushed himself into a seated position next to me, one arm still caging me in. “I better go.”
I didn’t want him to. Maybe we weren’t quite ready for sex, even though my body screamed for it, but I wanted to sleep with him and feel his body next to mine during the entire night. I hadn’t ever slept with anyone other than Lana before.
I took a deep breath and made an offer I knew was dangerous. “You could sleep here with me,” I said softly. When he started to protest, I held up a hand. “Trust me to know my own feelings. Don’t assume you know what’s best for me.”
“Okay,” he said simply. He undressed without hesitation or embarrassment, and I enjoyed the show more than I thought I would. His shoulders were broad, and I could see definition in the faint light from the bathroom creating interesting shadows on his skin. The indentation of his spine was marked and looked like a perfect trail to explore with my fingers. A dark mark spotted his right shoulder. It was a tattoo, but I couldn’t make out the shape or form. Tomorrow, I promised myself, I’d explore it tomorrow. He stopped and left his boxers on, a tight-fitting cotton that extended to the tops of his thighs. I lifted the covers and scooted over, and he climbed in bed next to me. As we laid together side by side like two toddlers in a bed, I remembered one of the last letters I received from Noah.
Dear Grace,
My active duty enlistment will run out in two months. I can re-up, but it would be a longer commitment than I’m ready to give right now. There are good parts and bad parts to being enlisted. It’s hard to imagine leaving the guys. It’s hard to envision going back home.
When I was home on my last leave, it was like the world had become completely different than I’d remembered. I don’t ever remember having that feeling of disorientation after basic. It’s not just the weather or the terrain or the lack of people with robes in the streets. Or even seeing pavement where it’s usually just dirt. Or no longer worrying that next time I take a step it might be my last. Or maybe it is.
Bo is willing to do whatever I want. If I reenlist, he’ll reenlist; if I get out, he’ll get out. I think most of the guys in my unit don’t want to come back, but some of them are going to try for Marine Force Recon. Another guy in my unit is leaving the Marines to try to be an Army Ranger. That sort of thing appeals to me, I guess. It’s like pitting yourself against the best alive, and, if you come out the other end, it’s amazing.
But having left my hometown, I guess I finally realized I don’t have to go back. That my entire life isn’t wrapped up in where I was born, where I went to school, or who my family is. But if I don’t reenlist and I don’t go back home, what do I do?
The one good thing is that while you are here, you’re given a list of things to do and then you do them. We’re just the weapons they aim and fire. Go forth and destroy shit, say the commanders.
I don’t know if I’m equipped to do anything else than be a Marine at this point or if I even want to be anything else. I’m tired of being here, but the war is winding down. Even if I did re-enlist, I probably wouldn’t see combat again. And my guess is that non-combat service doesn’t deliver the same adrenaline rush. That’s why the guys who are reupping are thinking Special Forces.
I think this is why Odysseus stays away for so long. He’s addicted to the adrenaline and, he’s afraid of what kind of person he might be when he gets back home. It was easier for him to keep going even though each new mission took him farther and farther away from Penelope. Sure, he said his whole goal was to return to her, but it was easier for him to love her from a distance.
Coming home was his greatest battle.
~ Noah
I had read Noah’s letters thinking he was invincible, but he wasn’t. For all his outward strength and physical ability and unceasing drive, he was just as