doing something scary?”
“What—does that mean?” He looks stricken. As if I’m the villain. His twisting mouth is so soft.
What would he do if I bit it?
I look at that perfect full lip, and I wish that I could grab him by the nape and bite his mouth so hard it bleeds. Instead, I laugh, playing my part. “Oh, I think you know exactly what it means.”
“I don’t.”
“You’re in the mafia, Luca. Everybody knows now. Everybody.”
Troubled…for a moment. Then there’s fury in his features. He’s clenching his jaw and fisting his hands, and his chest is rising on a deep and desperate breath.
“Are you going to deny it? That’s what mob guys do, right? Deny, deny, deny. When you deny something, then it frees you up and you just walk away.”
“I never meant to hurt you.” His soft voice sounds rough, and now his face is filled with everything I used to want—that desperate love that made me weak and stupid, unafraid and trusting. That’s how he looks right now.
My palm strikes his cheek so hard it echoes.
Luca
Calm moves through me as my lungs lock and my head goes light and dizzy. I hold my face, clinging onto everything I’ve learned from anyone I’ve sought out for help.
“What did you mean to do, Luca?”
The elevator feels too small, but I can’t move my body out of it. I can see and even sort of feel the rhythm of my fist smashing a man’s face. If anybody else had hit me, that’s what would be happening right now.
I blink at her. “Sorry,” I say, turning toward the doors.
“Are you, though?”
The elevator shudders as it stops on some floor. My shaking finger finds the stay-shut button.
Jesus…my heart’s racing. I can’t even speak. My whole body’s fucking shaking. I squeeze my eyes shut. “It was my fault.”
I see younger me in a wing-backed chair pulled into a hallway in this very building, watching as the others bustle about with towels, blankets, mops that drip red. I remember myself lying in a strange bed sometime later. A blonde girl stroked my hair, but I couldn’t see her because I had my eyes closed so I could pretend she was another girl—the one I thought I’d never see again.
“I know it was your fault,” she says sharply. “I deserved much better.”
“I know.” I swallow and flex my quads so my legs will stay steady. I have to clear the numb cloud out of my head to say this one thing. Count…and breathe, Luca. And say it. “You deserved another story.” The words catch in my throat. “Every day I hate it that I didn’t give you that one.”
I look back over my shoulder, and I watch as her eyes pop open wide.
“You’re bleeding.” Her jaw drops, and realization twists her features. “My ring.”
I give her a twitch of my cheek—an approximation of a smile…is what I mean for it to be. “’S fine.”
“Are you okay?” She moves closer.
“Doesn’t hurt.”
“Does that…thing still happen?” It’s the quietest whisper.
“It’s okay.” I let go of the button keeping the doors closed.
Her shoulder brushes mine as she slaps her palm down on the button. Then her eyes are on mine.
“Your hand’s shaking,” she says.
“No it’s not.” I hold it up, counting on myself to hide it by tensing my hand, as I have so many times before. But I watch tears well in her eyes—because it is, a little.
She looks aghast. “I’m so sorry.”
“Sometimes they just shake.”
She squeezes her eyes shut, and I drink her in—this new Elise, so fucking beautiful and regal I could fall to my knees. It feels like hours before she looks back at me.
“I hate you. For what you did.” Her lips tremble. “I hate that I ever met you. That I see you and I know who you are.”
Tears spill down her cheeks, and I want nothing more than to pull her up against me. I want it so much that I stand there frozen, imagining what it would look like to give in: to tell her, touch her. I could tell her but that’s not what I’m going to do.
Some small noise comes from me. Almost like a groan, but it sounds hoarse, as if it broke free from the prison of my throat.
Her face tightens as she steps back from me. “I don’t want to be near you. Don’t come near me on campus or in the store or anywhere! Don’t get near me at a party.” Her voice breaks—because she’s starting to