When I’d finally convinced myself to volunteer earlier that day, I’d had every intention of telling James that I had to stop going to Saturday meetups. I couldn’t fucking keep this con going, knowing I was stalking a fucking straight man.
I was all out of hope.
And then he gave me too much.
Because I could tell by the look in his eyes when I pulled away that he’d realized the same thing as me. Magical as the moment might have been, to pursue James would mean threatening everything he cared about.
The following day, I was anxious as ever as fourth period neared, and when the bell rang at lunch, my heart sped up. Bursts of energy spiraled in my chest as my face turned warm. All those emotions I experienced when we kissed came roaring back. If this was how it felt when I hadn’t even seen him again, I could only imagine how intense it would be once I faced him.
It was hardly a long walk to class, but the suspense was killing me. I was caught between time passing painfully slowly and simultaneously hurling me toward that fated moment when we’d set eyes on one another again.
This time, with a shared secret.
When we’d parted ways the day before, there’d been this fantasy in my mind where I’d solved it all before class, but that hadn’t happened. I didn’t have any answers, only questions, so many goddamn questions. But most importantly: had James enjoyed it as much as I had?
I entered the classroom, and saw James seated behind his desk. His gaze shot to me immediately. There they were, those brown, glistening irises, highlighted by the overhead lights. The look only lasted a moment, but all those feelings rushed back through me.
I quivered at the memory of his touch, his taste.
But just as had happened the day before, as quickly and powerfully as pleasure could overtake me, it could as easily vanish into thin air.
He rose behind the desk and began the discussion about Hamlet.
I knew he was doing his best not to look at me because it wasn’t the same as most classes, where he would treat me like any other student.
No, I wasn’t that anymore.
But as much as he tried to avoid me, he couldn’t help making eye contact with me occasionally.
Through what felt like hundreds of tie adjustments and the occasional drop of his marker, James did his best to keep it together, but with every error, I felt like all my classmates’ eyes would turn to me, as if through the tell of his fumbling, they’d be able to see our passionate encounter like it were projecting across my forehead. That they would see our lips mashed together, my tongue pushing into his mouth, sweeping across his. That they would be able to feel that fucking adrenaline we worked up radiating off me, making my nerves surge with that energy that now left my body aching for more. Hungering in a way I almost couldn’t understand, like before I’d learned how to tend to my needs when I was twelve.
Unlike the rest of my day, where there had at least been moments when it seemed like I was flying through time, class dragged on. A fifty-minute period took up what now felt like four hours, until that familiar ring brought our gazes together. I remained in my desk as the rest of the class stepped out, except Valerie, who made sure to stop by James’s desk and talk to him before making her way out. James closed the door behind her.
I pushed to my feet and tucked my notebook and textbook under my arm as I approached him.
He didn’t look up this time. For a guy who couldn’t keep his eyes off me during class, he was sure doing a great job of it now.
We stood in silence, for too long, considering I had to get to my next class and he’d have kids piling into his in just a few minutes.
“Mr. Warner—”
“Kyle—”
We started and stopped at the same time.
“Damn, it’s even more awkward than I thought it’d be,” I joked, and he laughed.
Again, as usual with us, I was relieved to lighten the mood, give him some relief. Maybe that was the issue I’d run into the day before.
“We need to talk,” he said.
“Yeah, but not now, obviously.”
He thought for a moment, scanning the classroom. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen him so serious about anything before. “Can you