It disturbed me that I ever needed to have this image of a dad who never could have imagined hitting his child.
A man who could love me without the pain.
But that hope had been little more than a pipe dream.
Now I was moving on to another bed, and just like with those first beds, there was no goodbye. This particular one had been there for nights of working in private on my homework, or jerking off, joking and gossiping with Ben and Taryn, chats with my uncle, and holding James close the nights we spent there while caring for Tex. It had been my companion for every heartache, every feeling of loneliness and despair that reminded me of this journey I was on, my own quest in life.
I smiled at the thought of James seeing it as my very own Odyssey.
I folded another shirt, glancing into the floor-length mirror on the inside of my closet the way I might have on mornings when I’d woken up and checked myself more than usual, because I wanted to impress him. At the time, I wouldn’t have copped to it, but I knew it was true.
I’d spent so many days wanting to impress Teach.
It was painful to want someone as much as I wanted him, but now I knew it was so much worse to fear losing something that had turned into so much more.
A rap on my door made me brush my hand across a warm tear I felt slipping from my eye.
I turned to see Tex, his knuckles against the open door.
“Sneaking into my house?” he joked. “I need to change the locks, I guess.”
“I figured you might be napping. Didn’t want to disturb you.”
He approached, eyeing my suitcase and the stacks of clothes.
“Obviously, I was going to wake you up before I headed out.” Something about his somber expression made me blurt that out, since he didn’t exactly seem thrilled at the thought of me leaving.
It’d been a month and a half since he was discharged from the hospital. Still working through physical therapy, he was doing well on his own, without the noticeable issues walking he’d had initially. James and I had practically moved in to Tex’s at first, watching him during the ensuing recovery until gradually we’d become more comfortable with allowing him his space.
“It’s strange not having you around,” Tex said. “Like you’ve already moved out.”
“Gonna need to be more moved out once we get back. Don’t want to use your house as my storage facility.”
“Do me a favor and leave some things around. If you don’t, I’ll have to accept that most of the mess was me.”
“Most of the mess was always you.”
“But you don’t have to make me aware of it. I’m too old to manage things like that.”
We shared a laugh.
“What are you gonna be doing while we’re gone?”
“Mope.”
A fucking lie. “Are you pretending Perry McGraw isn’t going to be over here all the time? The reason you aren’t coming to dinner tonight?”
He had this guilty gleam in his eyes, the sort that told me everything. He’d met Perry on Tinder during the free time his recovery had granted him, and gradually, the more time Perry spent over there, the more comfortable James and I had gotten with spending our time at James’s house once again.
“I think someone’s crushing on this guy.”
“Maybe a little. Not as whipped as you, though.” He winked.
“I don’t know that it would be very healthy for anyone to be as whipped as me,” I confessed.
“I’m good now. You guys can get away for a weekend,” he assured me, surely working to soothe the lingering uneasiness making me worry even when I’d spend nights over at James’s.
It was for the best. I had to get used to allowing Tex to be on his own again, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“Come on, Kylie. I’m the one who’s supposed to be worried about how you’re going to go off and fuck up your life as you try to sort it all out.”
He put his arm around me and planted a familiar kiss on my forehead. I fell into his hug, throwing my arms around him and pulling him close. I didn’t take any of these hugs for granted. I wouldn’t allow myself to ever do that again.
“Just make sure to come back,” he whispered.
“You know I’ll be right back. You’re not finished getting better. James and I will be over here plenty—”