and a vagina? Slip on my shoes for a day. I can’t trust anyone except family to be a true friend. Friends who will call me on my shit, not kiss my ass because of who my parents are, or whatever opportunity they think I can provide them, because of who I am. My cousins and I all deal with that shit. Granted, the younger ones eat it up, buying into it. They still believe that people want them for who they are. They’ll learn, just like I have. Facts? They’re my people, my Crew, but there are still times when I want a break from all of them. Figure out who I am without them. Plan to do that before I graduate.”
She doesn’t say shit, so I give it to her straight. “No fucking doubt I’m attracted to you. You’re stunning. I appreciate beauty. Real, raw beauty, unfiltered. But don’t you dare lie to yourself and me. You find me attractive. I see how you look at me. And, Savvy, by all means, keep looking. I don’t mind at all. But don’t think for a minute that I don’t see it. I’ll never lie to you, so truth? I like the way you react to me. I like the way you look at me.”
Chapter 12
Women are always saying,
'We can do anything that men can do.'
But men should be saying,
'We can do anything that women can do.'
~Gloria Steinem
~Three weeks later~
Savvy
Most people get the “winter blues,” whereas I am most anxious and worrisome, and yes, a bit depressed, from the end of August until the first snow.
I never thought any fall could be worse than the fall a few years ago, but this one has taken its toll on me.
Having my “fight” forced into hibernation for the last few weeks, due to getting—of all things—a kissing virus, from a girl, changes one’s perspective. Doing it virtually alone, aside from the essentials I need, being left outside the door, and the daily soup deliveries from “a friend” gives me plenty of time to reflect on my past, how to cope with what my life will become, and how to move forward.
Curled up on the huge space heater under the window overlooking the courtyard, I hold my All About The Bean travel mug under my nose and inhale the scent of crappy instant coffee as I watch everyone leave with their families for the Christmas break. It should tug at some sort of heart string inside of me, but my smile comes easily while I watch the very last leaf fall from the trees outside my dorm window. It brings a kind of peace to me that others would probably find disheartening. To me, it’s the opposite.
The slow way in which the landscape will change over the next few weeks gives just enough time to say goodbye. I don’t need that anymore, though. I’m no longer innocent and definitely no longer naïve. In front of my eyes lays brittle, dying, and dead leaves that are no longer sucking off the life form they were once attached to.
The dead, no longer a disease to the mighty oak. The brittle leaves soon will either blow away in the wind or disintegrate, becoming part of the earth, and then everything is bare and everything is quiet. Then, unlike the leaves, the snow will fall softly, hugging all the broken around it. It will freeze, it will thaw, and then life begins anew.
Deep inside of me, I know that is what is going to happen. I’m going to head into my spring, live my summer like it will never end, and then … and then … fall. And each of those happenings, I am going to embrace. I’m going to enjoy all things warm and cozy this winter, while considering who I will blossom into this spring.
Walking down the quiet, empty halls toward the back door, I pass by Heather’s room. Her door is open, and instead of hurrying past it, I keep my pace even.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
“Work,” I say as I continue walking.
“I thought—”
“I won’t be back tonight.”
“You never filled out the paperwork. I’m here until Christmas Eve because your doctor note states you aren’t released until then!” she yells from behind me.
Standing at the door, I look back at her. “Do whatever you need to do to make it look like that then.”
“Yeah, so you can go burn down a church this year!” She reaches for me, but I step back.
“If you