write down your feelings and shit and then the whole class talks about it. Literally everyone gets an A.” The idea of an entire classroom full of my peers talking about the feelings I’d somehow cobbled into a story terrified me. I decided to take my chances with Hopkins.
My professor, an incredibly tall woman with a lion’s mane of golden curls, walked into the classroom ten minutes late every Tuesday and Thursday. “All right, then, where were we?” she’d say, as if we’d already been talking about the poems without her and she wanted us to catch her up. No one ever responded, and she’d usually glare at us with her piercing green eyes until someone surrendered and stammered out something nonsensical.
“Hopkins is all about a delight in language,” she said one day. “I mean, listen to this: ‘Cuckoo-echoing, bell-swarmed, lark-charmed, rook-racked, river-rounded.’ He’s taking so much pleasure out of the way these words fit together, out of the sound of them, and we, the readers, get equal pleasure reading it.”
She looked ecstatic and pained as she said this, like she was halfway to orgasm. I wasn’t getting equal pleasure from reading it. I wasn’t even getting a quarter of the pleasure my professor seemed to be getting simply from talking about it. I was intimidated by her and I hated the poetry, but I felt a strange sense of kinship with Hopkins every time I read about his personal life, his difficulty reconciling his religion with his desires and thoughts, his repressed sexuality. I enjoyed reading his letters and, inspired to some romantic ideal of the nineteenth century, tried writing letters of my own to my mother. Letters in which I hoped to tell her about my complicated feelings about God. “Dear Ma,” they started, “I’ve been thinking a lot about whether or not believing in God is compatible with believing in science.” Or, “Dear Ma, I haven’t forgotten the joy I felt the day you walked me down to the altar and the whole congregation stretched out their hands, and I really, truly felt the presence of God.” I wrote four such letters, all of which could have been a different petal on the flower of my belief. “I believe in God, I do not believe in God.” Neither of these sentiments felt true to what I actually felt. I threw the letters away, and I gratefully accepted my B– in the course.
* * *
—
Nana had always been conflicted about God. He hated the youth pastor at First Assemblies, a man in his early twenties who had just finished Masters Commission, a kind of training camp for future spiritual leaders, and who insisted that everyone call him P.T. instead of Pastor Tom.
P.T. was interested in relating to the youth on their level, which for his relationship with Nana meant that he was constantly making up slang terms that he assumed black teenagers were using. “Whattup, broseph?” was a favorite greeting of his. Nana could hardly even look at him without rolling his eyes. Our mother chided him for being disrespectful, but we could tell that even she thought that P.T. was kind of an idiot.
Nana was thirteen when he graduated from children’s church and moved on to youth group services. I missed him during Sunday school when the children’s church pastor pulled out her puppets and Nana reluctantly went across the hall to listen to P.T.’s teachings. I started to get a little restless in those services, squirming around in my seat and asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes, until finally the pastors decided it would be all right for me to go to Sunday school with Nana as long as I returned to children’s church during regular service hours. In those early-morning classes, Nana sat about as far away from me as possible, but I didn’t mind. I liked being in the same room as him, and I liked feeling older, wiser than the other children my age who were stuck listening to the children’s church pastor’s little sketches, which, by that time, had grown tiresome. I was, even then, desperate to prove my competence, my superiority, so being the youngest in the youth group felt like a kind of arrival, a demonstration of my goodness.
Like the children’s church pastor, P.T. talked a lot about sin, but he wasn’t partial to puppets. He paid little attention to me and interpreted Scripture as he saw fit.
He said, “If girls only knew what boys