sensed, by only stepping into the house, that Louisa was close to death. But was there any point in expending the energy to heal her if she was moments away from passing?
The last time Nanny had tried, she’d been on bedrest for weeks.
Almost as though she knew I was wavering, in the background, Emma released a keening sob that penetrated me like nothing else could.
It hit me, square in the heart, and I released a shaky breath and rubbed my hands together once more.
“God, I wish that the last time I’d seen this happen wasn’t when I was seven,” I muttered under my breath as I reached for Louisa’s hand.
She tipped her head to the side. “What are you doing, Theodosia?” Her mouth was so dry, the words seemed to cling to her lips.
“I don’t really know,” I admitted gruffly, “but I’m going to try to ease your pain.”
“How?” Her eyes drifted closed with a languor that looked painful. “Do you have drugs?”
I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see, and reaching for her, grabbed her hands. The second our fingers connected, she jerked in surprise, then released a long, low moan as the heat inside me, a heat I couldn’t even feel, hopefully transferred into her.
Nanny had never said a word when she’d done this the few times I’d seen her heal. She’d never muttered a prayer, had only rubbed her hands together, cracked her knuckles—
Shit! I’d forgotten to crack my knuckles.
Was that a pivotal point?
Before I could fret, pain surged from where our hands were joined. Louisa began writhing on the bed with a force, an energy that I knew was beyond her, and she began panting like she was having a fit or something. Her hands clung to mine with a strength I wouldn’t have said she was capable of. Hell, sitting up looked like it was beyond her when I’d walked into the room.
But her thrashing around wasn’t exactly an improvement, was it?
All I knew was the heat inside me was supposed to go into her. It would heal where it could, replenish where it could, and in the interim, I’d be left cold. Stone cold.
I wasn’t looking forward to that bit.
In fact, a part of me wasn’t even sure if I wanted this to work! I was just doing what Nanny had done, because Emma’s pain was too much for me to handle.
A sharp cry escaped Louisa, jolting into me, making me focus when I realized I’d been zoning out, trying to absorb the pain this healing caused me without pulling away. I could only liken it to fire ants rattling away under my skin, stinging and pricking where they walked as though their tiny legs were actually needles.
The agony was exquisite in its brutality, and I barely held on, enduring it only for her sake as I tried to do my Nanny proud. She’d done this so many times, had offered herself with a frequency I knew had killed her prematurely. Louisa’s cry, however, brought my senses into focus, and I jerked at the sight of the moisture seeping onto the sheets.
Had she wet herself?
I wasn’t sure what to do, where to look, then her hands tore from mine, and she pressed them to her face before twisting onto her side.
There was an energy to her movements that made me wonder if it had worked, then she sagged into the bed, utterly unconscious.
Fear whispered through me.
Had she died?
Had I just—
I blinked, taking her in, taking in the liquid that had drenched the sheets covering her. That happened, didn’t it? When a death was violent?
What had I done?
Mouth dry from fear, I got to my feet and bent over her. Was her chest moving? If it was, it was so faint I couldn’t see if she was breathing, which made me want to have a panic attack.
Twisting, I pressed my head close to her mouth, hoping I’d feel the whisper of her breath.
There was none.
My lips trembled for a second as horror swirled inside me.
Had I just killed her?
Terror the likes of which I’d never known filled me. And I knew what terror was. Terror was losing one parent, then another, and then your guardian. Three people you loved, and all within the shortest space of time.
Terror was being dumped in orphanages, then being tossed into foster homes where no one gave a shit about you.
Trembling and terrified that I’d hurt Louisa, when that hadn’t been my intent, I sneaked out. It shamed me