that too, but if you fail, I expect my money back. You only get one shot. Those are the conditions, it’s up to you to decide whether they’re worth it.”
Tears began forming in the corners of her tired eyes. “Why would you do that for me? I’m nobody to you.”
“Because you can be something to somebody one day, you just need a fucking break and some self-confidence. I’ve been there. Torch was the one who stepped up when I was at my lowest point and he didn’t know me either. If he hadn’t spoken up on my behalf to a friend of his who gave me a job and place to stay so I could get a good start, I wouldn’t have made it long. Let’s just call this paying it forward.”
“I don’t… I don’t even know what to say,” she muttered. “Thank you… I won’t let you down. I promise I’ll work my ass off. God… thank you so much.”
I handed her a napkin. “You’re welcome. Don’t fuck it up.”
Nadia laughed and wiped her snotty nose. “I can see why.”
“Why what?”
“Why no other woman ever stood a chance with him. Torch hit the fucking old lady lottery with you.”
I smiled and shook my head. “I’m the one who lucked out.”
She looked down and got lost in her own thoughts for a moment. When she finally spoke, it was with a forlorn tone. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Depends on the question.”
“Zed… He wouldn’t tell me anything but he said you’ve been through a lot, the kind of shit most people have to go to therapy to deal with. How did you get over it?”
I snickered and shook my head. “Sweetie, I’m the last person you should be asking for psychological advice.”
“But you’ve lived in the real world,” she argued. “You’re more qualified than some book-smart shrink who can’t relate.”
“Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean you should follow my example. Zed’s right, I did go through some really bad shit for a while. I did a lot of bad shit. And I don’t really like talking about it.”
“I’m not trying to be nosy or get in your personal business,” she interjected, “I just wanna know if that stuff still bugs you. You know, bad memories?”
I shook my head and answered honestly. “Not usually, no.”
“How? Did you get hypnotized or something?”
“I think that’s supposed to bring out suppressed memories, not the other way around.” I sighed, slightly irritated that Zed had even brought it up to her. I knew he always came from a good place and probably mentioned it during a pep talk without giving any details, but the day had started so well and talking about my past was a total fucking buzzkill. “Look… The truth is I haven’t gotten over anything. I compartmentalize shit in my head and don’t let myself stew on things I can’t change. I didn’t get into computers just because I was good at it, I did it because technology evolves from one day to the next and staying on top of it keeps me busy. Trust me, those memories would probably destroy me if I actually let my mind go there. But I don’t, I force myself to think about other things, it’s just what I’ve always had to do. By the time things got really bad for me in high school, I’d already been taking care of myself for a long time. And you know… looking back… I don’t think I had a chance to develop all those emotional skills you’re supposed to as a kid. I didn’t have a support system or unconditional love and you can’t miss something you’ve never experienced. Maybe that’s why I got through what I got through without losing my mind, I spent so much energy on just staying afloat that I didn’t really have any left over to be sad or feel bad for myself. The bad shit lasted years, but it doesn’t take long in any kind of prison to realize that the easiest way to survive is to disassociate from the worst of it.”
“It’s that easy? You just think about something else?” she asked.
I saw where she was going with this. “For me? Yeah. But you’re not me, Nadia, you’ve traveled a different road. Listen, we both know life can get pretty ugly and nobody comes from the same place. I’m a jaded realist. I don’t see humans as some special snowflakes in the animal kingdom. We may be the most evolved but