who... who I used to be. But I’m not him anymore. I’ve never been him with you. Not after that first real conversation. We can work through this. I know we can. Please don’t break my heart.”
“I have to.”
He’s shaking too. I can suddenly see it. Every bit as much as I am right now. “Why?”
“Because you broke mine.” I do cry then, turning away from him for a moment and covering my face with my hands as my shoulders shake.
“Baby, please don’t cry. I’m so sorry. Please let me fix this.”
“You can’t fix it.” I’ve controlled myself now, sucking back the tidal wave of grief for the moment. “You can’t.”
“Why can’t I try? It was just that one—”
“Stop saying that!” I cut in. “Stop saying it was just the beginning, like it wasn’t a big deal. You knew it was a big deal. You knew it. Because you’ve been hiding this from me ever since we got together. You knew how bad it was. Even after this afternoon, after we... after we... you still didn’t tell me the truth about this. And I have to assume you never would have told me if you hadn’t been trapped the way you were. You knew how bad it was, so don’t act like it’s not a big deal.”
“You’re right.” He’s rubbing his face with a restless gesture that’s not like him at all. “Of course I knew it was bad. I hated myself for it. And the more I fell for you, the guiltier I felt about it until I just wanted to pretend it never happened. I was afraid if you knew, I would lose you, and I couldn’t... I couldn’t...”
I stare at the sidewalk for a moment before I raise my eyes to meet his. “You did. You lost me.”
“No! Please, no, baby.” He grabs for both my hands, and I don’t have the will to pull mine away. He holds them up toward his chest, like he’s cradling them. “I know it’s bad. I know you’re hurt. But I can’t believe we can’t work through this. Why would this have to—?”
“Because it taints everything!” I feel more tears but fight against them. “It changes everything. I thought... I believed you really... saw me. That I wasn’t invisible to you.”
“You aren’t, Gillian. I do see you. You’re the most important person in the world to me, and you have been since that first night we spent together.”
“But that night never would have happened if you hadn’t been trying to use me.”
“No, I told you I’d already—”
“I know you’d already ended the job. But you never would have talked to me at all if you hadn’t been trying to use me. Don’t you see? Don’t you understand? You didn’t see me at all. I thought you did. I thought for the first time, someone... but you didn’t. You only saw me as a... as a thing to be used. And I thought you saw me as a person.” I sob a few times. There’s no way I can help it. I pull my hands out of his grip so I can cover the tears.
“Gillian, oh no.” He takes me in his arms, and his strong arms and warm body are everything I want so I can’t bring myself to pull away. “You were never a thing to me. You were always a person. I see you. I see every part of you. And I love every part of you. I love you so much, baby.”
Hearing the words makes me cry even more.
Because I love him too.
But that isn’t the strongest thing. Not anymore.
I make myself push him away. Sniffing and wiping away the tears, I manage to force out, “It doesn’t matter anymore. I was just fooling myself, thinking my life could change, thinking I could be someone different. But you’ve just proven it to me. I’ve always been invisible. And I knew—I knew—a man like you would never be interested in me. I knew the whole thing was wrong, but I wanted it so much that I let myself be stupid. I might always be invisible, but I’m not going to be stupid anymore.”
“Gillian, what are you say—”
“I’m saying this is over.” I turn away from him, back toward the hotel. “I’m going home.”
He follows me. Of course he does. He tries to pull me to a stop. “No, no, no. It doesn’t have to be over. Please don’t say—”
“Richard, stop!” I’m getting desperate because he can talk me