Third Life - Noelle Adams Page 0,64

For the past couple of years, I’ve avoided jobs I knew would make me feel... sick. But a lot of what I do just isn’t right. Even if it’s legal, it isn’t right.”

“Richard.” I don’t know why I say his name again. I don’t know what else to say.

“Do you hate me now?” His eyes search my face urgently. “I didn’t want you to know this about me. That I... I’m not really a good man.”

“I knew you did something like that,” I tell him, my throat so tight it’s hard to speak through. “I already knew it was something like that. I figured you worked in the gray.”

“That’s what it is.” His mouth has softened, like he’s relieved. Like he’s almost hopeful. “The gray. But I don’t want to stay there. I don’t... I used to be fine with it. It felt like I was... claiming some sort of power in a world that didn’t give a damn about me. But for the past few years now, I’ve been living with this weight in the pit of my stomach. And the only times I haven’t felt it are when I’m with you.” He reaches out to take my hand again. “When I’m the man I want to be with you.”

“Then be him,” I say. Tears are streaming down my cheeks again. I really don’t know what’s gotten into me lately because I’ve never been a big crier. “Richard, be him.”

“I’m going to try.” His blue eyes are still searching my face, desperately looking for something there. “Baby, so you think... I haven’t scared you away with this?”

“No! Of course not. I’m not a fool, Richard. I knew you worked in the gray. But I also knew you were more than that. If you want to move to Boston, if you want to do something different, there’s nothing in the world that would make me happier.”

He makes a little sound. It’s almost—almost—like a sob. Then he reaches out and pulls me into a tight hug. “Oh baby, thank you. I’ve never wanted you to know, to see that side of me. I wanted you to only see the best of me, and I’ve been so scared you’d find out the truth about who I am and not want me anymore. I wanted...”

“What did you want, Richard?”

He gives a huff of dry amusement, like he’s laughing at himself. “I wanted you to be proud of me.”

“I am proud of you! I’m so proud of you, Richard. To realize that about yourself, to want to make a change so huge, so hard... I’m so proud of you. It’s not like I’m some perfect specimen of moral character, you know. We all mess up. We all screw up. We all hurt people we don’t want to hurt. We all fail. You think I would judge you for trying to do better?”

“No. No.” He’s still holding me tightly. “But you’ve never done the kinds of things I’ve done. You can be sweet and understanding about how you’re not perfect too, but there’s a difference.”

“Maybe. But I care about the man I know. The man you’ve been with me.”

He finds my lips and kisses me long and deep. Then he hugs me again.

“I know you haven’t always been good,” I say, a kind of joy filling my heart that I’ve never experienced before. “And I get that you feel guilty about it and want to do better. But you’ve always been good to me.”

I feel him freeze for a moment. “Gillian,” he says hoarsely.

I pull away so I can see his face, my eyes wide and confused. “What? What’s the matter?”

Something shudders in the air between us for just a moment. I don’t know what it is, but I can feel it. Then Richard gives his head a little shake. “Nothing. Just that I promise I’m going to do better. I promise I’m going to be better. I’m not going to be that man again.”

I smile, relaxing since he is. Whatever that weird moment was is now gone. I probably just imagined it. “You should be the man you want to be. I know you can do it. So if you move, what would you do? With your skills and experience, I’m sure you’d get a bunch of offers.”

“Probably. But I’d really rather own my own business. Be my own boss. I’ve been looking around some for businesses for sale in Boston.”

“Richard! You’ve been doing all that without telling me?”

“Well, I wanted to have some