They still hurt. I winced, but was grateful to feel them, though most were fading now. I was still breathing. My chest moved up and down, up and down as I gulped air, calming myself down.
It wasn’t still like Kestrel’s had been.
I’m alive, I told myself again and again. I’m alive. I’m alive.
I was safe.
For now.
Before the Zodia woke, I’d feared for my grades, my cross-country personal records, what college I’d be admitted to, about getting a job and taking care of myself. But those fears were superficial.
Being a target of these things taught me what real fear was. I’d learned my greatest fear was dying or watching those I loved die, the way Kestrel died in front of me when we were just kids. Deep down, I’d been afraid for so long, I just hadn’t realized it.
Tears streamed from my eyes again and I started to cry in earnest. Aries approached tentatively with his arms outstretched. Even though he wasn’t in my dream and I knew he wasn’t the one who hurt me, I backed away toward the pool. “Don’t,” I croaked, holding my hand out to stop him.
He waited at a distance until Helena showed up, her eyes wide with concern. “What’s going on?”
I shook my head. I’d tell her in a minute. I just needed to get my breath. Besides that, I needed Kes and Aries out of here. And I needed hot water.
“Fill the pool,” Aries ordered, leaving the room a few seconds later.
“Kes?” I called out as he turned to follow Aries. “I need time with Helena. Just Helena.”
He swallowed back a response, but finally nodded. Aries speared me with a concerned gaze, but the two disappeared together.
The tub was filled in no time and my hands shook as I tried to undress. Helena helped me into the water, which was a good thing because I wasn’t sure my legs would hold me up.
“You have to tell me what happened,” she said. “I’m worried about you.”
I tried to laugh and instead sat in the water and sobbed, drawing my legs into my chest. “It was a nightmare,” I finally said. “An incredibly realistic one.”
“Taurus?” she asked.
I nodded.
That was all I had to tell her. She knew.
“He’s going to kill me,” I whispered.
She shook her head, her eyes pleading with me. For what, I didn’t know. To fight? Yeah, what a stellar defense I’d put up in my dream.
My chest still ached. “Why does it actually hurt?” I cried.
Helena brushed her lavender hair back and looked to the ceiling. “I hate dreams like that,” she said. “When they feel so real, it’s easy to imagine they are. Sometimes, I think our bodies react to them like they would if it had actually happened.”
“If it actually happened, I wouldn’t be talking or breathing right now, and it wouldn’t hurt because there would be nothing left of my heart and chest but a gaping hole.”
She sat down on the edge of the tub. “Tell me something happy. Tell me about your grandparents.”
I sighed. “I don’t know much about my mom’s parents. I never remember seeing them. They sent cards for mine and Kes’s birthday and at Christmas when we were little, but then they stopped. They died when we were little and I remember Mom flew out to handle their arrangements. They weren’t close, I guess.” When they were alive, they never called or wrote regularly. Every once in a while, one of them would call Mom and tell her where they were and ask if we were all okay, but that was the extent of our relationship with them. They didn’t really want to be involved in our lives.
“Your mom is a Libra?” she asked.
I nodded. “Dad’s a Taurus.”
“How close are your birthdays?”
“We share one, actually. And we shared one with his mom, too. It’s weird.”
“An identical lineage of Taurean blood,” she said with a sad smile. “Tell me about your dad’s parents.”
I took a deep breath. Focusing on something else was making me forget the horror of the nightmare and the pain it left behind, but focusing on my regrets might be more painful than the remnants of my subconscious running wild.
“They died in a car wreck a few years ago, but they were great. They only lived a town away and would invite us over and come to our house, too. My grandpa was a mechanic in the army, so he worked on cars when he left the military. He could take an engine apart